Loss

I really wanted to tell you the news that has made me positively giddy. The thing that we have been trying for so long finally happened. I was pregnant. I was waiting for the perfect time to tell you all, the time when I was out of the danger zone of early pregnancy complications.

We didn't make it out of the zone. Yesterday I started miscarrying. Unsure of what was happening I spent a good part of the day at University Hospital, getting bloodwork and ultrasound. I remained hopeful even though my uterus was cramping. Even though the spotting continued. Even though I knew exactly what was going on.

It's funny how you know.

There's really nothing funny about any of this. I will tell you that I am heartbroken. We have been trying for 1 year and 8 months to get pregnant. There's so much heartache in the trying, the periods that keep coming when you so desperately want them to stop. The inquiries about when we're going to be getting Ellie a brother or sister. The advice that people always feel inclined to give you. (Please, please do not tell someone who is trying to get pregnant to "just relax" about it. That is hands down the most annoying piece of advice that I can assure you imparts no wisdom that they don't already know.)

If this baby had made it then he/she would have been 4 years younger than Ellie. That's a pretty hefty difference, and probably one of the most painful parts about this loss. She wants to be a sister so badly. She wants a baby brother or sister for Christmas, and DAMN IT, I want to be able to give that to her so bad.

We are not complete. I just know it. But for whatever reason, our little soul has not found its way into our family yet. Why? (Pardon me while I feel bad for myself for a moment) WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD? We are good people! Healthy! Good parents! I just don't get it.

We will be okay. I'm sad, really frigging sad, but I know that this baby wasn't meant for us. I know that someday, somehow, our family will be complete, whether through my own body or someone else's (adoption), but for right now, for today, I am in mourning. My tiny unborn baby has died. It happened, and it sucks.

My mom sent this to me. It's perfect. Thank you, Mom.