Gratitude (amidst the snarkiness)

There are some things I've learned about this whole miscarriage process. 1)  it's a process. I always thought it was one of those "uh oh, it just ended" kind of deals, but it's not, it's an ongoing issue, a slow leak if you will (sorry) and one that continues to be a part of my reality. 2) My friends are awesome and I just love them so much...thank you! 3) During this process your "best self" might be sitting on a lounge chair on some Hawaiian beach.

A famil member sent me an email the day of my miscarriage and told me I needed to get over it and move on. At first I was kind of mad, I was knee deep in my self pity and she was trying to shine a light on that and mess it up. But of course I knew she was right. All we can do is move forward. And I am moving forward, but also really present in my current reality. Am I sad? Yes. Disappointed? Heck yeah. Inconsolable? No. I am okay. I get that this wasn't meant to be.

Tomorrow I am getting another ultrasound to check to see that all of the "products of pregnancy" are out of my womb. If they are not then I will likely have a d&c. (aka "abortion). You may not want to hear about any of this, but the thing is, no one seems to write about this stuff. You think miscarriage is this quick little process that one minute you're pregnant and the next minute you're not, only that's not the case. I may still in fact be pregnant, but there's no life to what's inside me. And it doesn't just evacuate (although I'm told in some cases it is quite quick) but rather it's a slow and consistent pull on the uterus and a constant need to have plenty of pads handy. And my mind...oh my mind! It's like someone's cranking on my bitch controls; I've been snarky and moody and if I've offended you I'M SORRY. It's been hard to navigate through this stuff. It's hard to be at work seeing patients when my uterus is pushing my pregnancy out and my mind is mush. Maybe that's why I've been sleeping 10-11 hours every night. This shit is kind of exhausting.

Do you know what I did on Sunday? I went to church. Now I am not religious at all, but I was craving some connection to something. And I DO believe in...something. Magic? A higher power? Whatever is the word, my spiritual body wanted connection. And so I sat there in the pews of the very sweet and NON-religious Unitarian church in Denver and I felt the tears well up in my eyes, the constriction on my throat. Is this all part of some divine plan? Me, my family, these strangers...what is our connection? What happened to that little soul that left my body?

Here's what I think I know....it's not about moving forward or reveling in the past. It's about what's happening now. And NOW my daughter is amazing and enchanting. NOW my husband is loving and kind. NOW the sun is shining. NOW my friends are supportive and wonderful.

There are many blessings in this world, and sometimes there are things that are challenging to navigate through. But you just do. You take what's going on in your moment, honor it, process it, and that moment will soon enough change. It's all a part of our tapestry, the black threads and the white threads, constantly working together to create the beauty that is your life.

I'm grateful for the many, many blessings I  have. Truly.

Good God am I grateful for her.