Hard.

I don't like to broadcast posts where I'm short of positive, but tonight I just have to be real. Today was HARD. No-moment-to-stop-and-catch-my-breath hard. Work has been busy, and in briefly describing it, I'm out there in the community tending to very real, actual symptoms needs, meeting people's expectations when they are at the more stressful times of their lives. I orchestrate movement. I create a space for people to grieve. I advocate for people. And sometimes I make mistakes. And sometimes my emotional well is not big enough for a patient's grief. And I want to put into words how all this feels when it's going on in real time during the course of my day and it can be freaking stressful. My car is trashed. My laptop is opened. I'm tethered to two phones. And while I'm performing said crazy making tasks I then need to chart them, often staying up till the wee hours of the night to meet the expectation of same day documentation. It's not always THIS hard, but today was definitely on the nutsier side.

But this, THIS coupled with my daughter who GOD KNOWS I LOVE HER but these tantrums are killing us. She is very particular and though she can be sweet and good natured (really you can be, future Ellie. I do love you so), she also has a particular knack for mystifying us with her complete lack of reasoning or negotiation, and a relentless scream of demands.

My husband plays softball. He has played softball on this one team ever since I've known him. He likes having us there; he likes showing Ellie off. But we never go. It's nearly an hour away and dinner, bedtime, whatever, there's almost always an excuse. But today I promised him we'd go. I didn't want to let him down, didn't want to picture him driving the hour drive wishing he had a wife that would go to his softball games. So, today was one of the crazy making days at work. I pick up Ellie at preschool and learn that she didn't take a nap. We have to leave for the game as soon as we get home. I realize I forgot to order someone a very important medication. I HAVE to do this. My daughter is asking me ridiculous questions "Mommy you pick me up from school today?" "Mommy daddy not pick me up from school today?" over and over and over and I have to order this med and call this patient to explain why it's not there and my husband is storming around because we have to go and I'm trying to pack some stuff for Ellie in my purse while she's at my heels trying to get me to answer her questions and I'm trying to get this God damned med ordered (!) and FINALLY we are able to get out the door, only to meet traffic, and there it is. Temper tantrum of the freaking century. It all started with Ellie asking for her hat, which I had in my purse, which I passed back to her, which apparently I passed it back WRONG (?) because loud, persistent crying ensued. Mike and I are barely speaking to each other. Ellie is freaking out in the backseat. We get to the game and Mike runs off because he's late and I won't let Ellie eat any more goldfish so she continues to freak out.

Now I want you to know that I love my child, but I'm also not about to let her walk all over me. No. I will stand my ground and if I say no Goldfish then damnit, no Goldfish. She will not win with the loud, persistent requests even though God knows I just wanted to throw that bag of Goldfish back there and say HERE! Instead we drove to Natural Grocers where I told her I would wait until she's done crying so we could go in and find something to eat inside. She stops briefly and wants to get out of the car by herself. She wants me to stand along side the car "here". In a certain spot. So I do. So she gets out. I help her close the door and BAM, there it is again with the tantrum. I put her back in the car. I tell her we won't go in until she's calmed down. We do this twice. In the meantime this really nice lady is watching us and comes up to me saying "I can see that you're having a hard time". She then proceeds to tell me that when she has a hard time with her kids she goes straight to the aromatherapy section and squirts lavendar mist on her kids (and herself) to calm them down.

We get to the store and I douse her in it. "Mommy, what you doing that for?".

I tell her because it smells good but you guys, that shit worked! End of the tantrums. We shopped in peace and comraderie. We went to Mike's game (tail end at this point) and Ellie is suddenly a pleasure. Pleasure!

Mike and I are still shell shocked.

Doing it all is hard, yo!