I'm going to write something that I've been thinking for awhile. It's addressing this rather large knot of stress that I seem to carry with me in my heart nowadays, and I guess I'm hoping that by writing it I can some how release it. I'm a little nervous to write it, because then when I write it I might actually need to take action. But I might not. At least by writing it releases it from my body so I can look at it with a more objective perspective, do ya know what I mean? Anyway, here is the thing:
I don't think I want to be a hospice nurse anymore. Or at least, not right now.
I'm tired. Being a hospice nurse is not like "normal" nursing where you are assigned a patient, you go home, and then the next nurse comes in to relieve you. When you are a hospice nurse you form a very strong bond with a patient and a family. You will often be called an angel, and let me tell you, that makes you pretty proud of your career choice; you feel so appreciated. You want to be all that you can for these people. You want to make sure that your patients can die in the best way possible. You manage symptoms, family dynamics, medications, equipment, schedules, and you do all of this with a loving heart (crucial) and solid professionalism. I think I'm a good nurse because I am very compassionate with a patient that is dying. But more and more when I leave that space, I feel depleted.
Being a hospice nurse became infinitely more challenging when I became a mother. Now, at the end of the day when I have exerted
so much emotional energy into the homes of these people that need me to be nothing but present and attentive, it takes away from energy that I
want to give to my daughter. I feel void and often sad these days. Right now I have a patient that is young that I'm particularly fond of and I see her a LOT throughout the week. Our visits are a solid 2 hours each with all of her family members present and they are intense. Throughout my visits my cell phone will ring several times with needs that I must attend to. Then I jump into my car to see the next patient, catch up on my phone calls, and give myself just a minute or two to decompress from the last visit so I can give all of my energy into the next one. I do that several times a day. Then I pick up my daughter, go home, and try to be the kind of mom I want to be, often between the charting I need to accomplish and the "tidying up" of patient needs before the next day begins.
I like being a hospice nurse, but lately I feel like maybe this just isn't the right time in my life for this. As a young mom who wears my heart on my sleeve, sometimes, just sometimes, I want my patients to
actually get better. I want to leave a visit with a patient and
really leave it.
I am not the type of nurse who will ever slack on a job that is as important as making someone's last days comfortable, so I give it a LOT of energy because that's what it requires. And I'm not the type of mom that will slack on these precious days of being my daughter's mommy, so I give it a LOT of energy because that what it requires. But somewhere, between the push and pull, I'm being stretched too thin. Sometimes I feel like I'm being stretched so thin I could snap. Sometimes I worry that if I don't do something soon then I will. Does that sound dramatic? Sometimes it feels that way.
