How long do you pretend to be something until you actually are?

I, like countless millions of others, have a really nice camera.

Really nice cameras seem to be popular these days.

I like to take pictures with my camera.

I take a LOT of pictures with it. 

I really LIKE to take pictures with my camera. 

And I know that a lot of people really like to take pictures. 

I would not declare that I am a photographer, only sometimes I am. Am I really good? No probably not. Do I have a TON to learn? Absolutely. Do I love it? Yes yes yes. And just as much as the actual photo taking what I really truly love is the editing. I love trying to figure out how to make a picture "pop". I love trying to find the balance between too much editing and just right. This seems to be a skill that definitely gets better with practice.

I've had some friends ask me to take their pictures lately for special events. This I find hugely flattering. Of course I offered my services for free, because I'm too new at this to think I could actually charge for pretending to be something. 

So when does the pretending end? When are you allowed to declare that you are something? 

I'm not ready to declare that I'm a photographer. I feel that it somehow negates the hard work that actual photographers do. But I'm trying on the hat. It feels fun on my head.

Anyway, here are some of my pics from a photo shoot I did for my friend Sarah this weekend. I'd love to hear what you think!

weekend wrapup

What I did this weekend.
by Summer N.

1. I made a raw dinner with my friend Annie.
2. I went for a hike.
3. I ate no processed sugar.

4. I went to a house party.

5. I watched a movie.

6. I unpeeled about a thousand stickers from the floor (ok maybe like a dozen)

7, I did the running man.
8. I watched Dora in the bathroom while my daughter pooped for an hour

9. I took photos of a friend and her son.

10. I fell off a piano in a freak planking accident.

Pretty fall hike in Golden, CO via phone camera.

I was on the ground right about 1 second after someone took this pic. Awesome.

Fashion friday, sweat and tears and all

Now that my daughter is getting older and way WAY more verbal, she likes to make it very clear that she wants to make the decisions regarding anything that has to do with her. Which is why my fashion friday posts have not been as consistent. If I could convey how much ENERGY goes into one photo shoot then you would totally understand. That being said, I managed to get today's outfit on her. I did not manage to get a single smile for the camera, but that's okay kid, I'll take it.

Not having it.

In other news, this is my second day of no sugar. The depths of my sugar addiction have become too glaring for me to ignore. It's gotten to the point where I have been "requiring" sugar every day just to keep from feeling like shit. And I just don't think that's right. So I've gone cold turkey, and no this isn't a forever thing, but I'm trying to give it a good amount of time so I can retrain my brain and hopefully make it not taste so WONDERFUL. Wonderful and evil if you ask me. 

Today I had a PLAIN latte and it was actually totally awesome. 

(Operation caffeine will have to be another lifetime day.)

Dress: Corky's kids

Shirt: Target

Tights: thrift store

Legwarmers: Zoots

Boots: Osh Kosh

Out of the fog

Starting on the day after my marathon and up to about yesterdayish, I developed some sort of bronchitis or pneumonia and was a total mess. I would shiver incessantly, sleep like crazy, and had a deep tightness in my chest that went way too far down. It was awful and I can honestly say that for me, it was as if this past week never even existed. It was a blur, all of it. It resulted in a successful round of antibiotics, three missed days from work, TONS of coughing, and LOTS and lots of sleep.

Today when I woke up I actually felt good. And guys, that feeling, the feeling of NOT feeling sick, took on a whole new meaning. If you have your health, you have everything. Take that away and life becomes so hard.

Unfortunately the sickness, in a very muted version (thank God) hit Ellie and she has been sniffling and coughing. And what happens to Ellie when she feels sick? She becomes a total and absolute GRUMP! Her amazing ability to NOT be happy with literally every option presented to her is dumbfounding. It would astound any childless adult how something as simple as drinking milk can turn into a complex game of compromise and choices. "Ellie you can have this cup or this cup". "NOOO, I WANT THE OTHER CUP! Ok let me pour the milk. "NO, I WANT TO POUR IT!!". No Ellie Mommy will pour it. Do you want me to bring it into the living room? "NO! I WANT TO HOLD IT!!!! Okay, do you want a straw or no straw?" "NO STRAW!!!" Ok.  "I WANT A STRAW!!!! I set it down. "NO PUT MILK THERE!!!!! I WANT JUICE!!!!!" I can honestly say for the first time I UNDERSTAND why parents let their kids go to public places like restaurants and the mall in their pajamas. I never got it before but man do I get it now.

In other news:

I've gotten Invisaligned!! Yes I'm 34 and finally straightening these teeth of mine but at least they are not metal and no headgear is involved. Instead I had these "tooth colored buttons" adhered on several teeth and a series of trays that must be worn until the straightening process is over, a mere TWO YEARS from now. They are not so bad really except when I'm not wearing my trays and my new teeth warts stab me in the lip from the inside. I'm convinced it's some sort of twisted orthodontical trick to make sure you wear your new gear. 

We harvested our garden! True to form my gardening thumb goes from bright green in spring to a putrid yellow color come fall. Translated: my garden, though once revered in my eyes to be the marvel of the neighborhood, sucks. We got a bunch of scrawny beets and scrawny carrots. And one onion. Oh yeah and a couple of  half cucumbers that we accidentally pulled. I guess it was the whole not watering thing that did it in. I hate when that happens.

So what do you do with a bunch of beets? Duh, you make borscht! Which is what we did today. Does anyone want some? No seriously, we have a shitload of borscht. Enough borscht to make you burst. Which reminds me....

Upon eating a shitload of borscht remind yourself as you go to the bathroom that you are not bleeding internally. It's the borscht. It's only the borscht. 

Back at it!

Fist pumping our victories!

I have to say that one of the more proud moments of my life was running through the streets of Denver with my little brother for the Rock-n-Roll half marathon yesterday. My brother only started running last year but he is crazy into it. He's happier, he's lost 50lbs, he looks awesome! I thought he was going to kick my butt but I managed to stick with him for 9 miles until I just couldn't keep up with his pace. God knows I wanted to but my legs physically would not move faster.

I finished the race in 2:22. It's faster than I thought I'd be but definitely room for improvement. But as my little bro said as we were climbing up 17th street, "I can see these marathons being addictive". It's such a wonderful feeling running, pushing yourself, being cheered on, accomplishing goals. Man it was fun!

But hoo boy am I sore today!!!

Waiting to start. It was about 38 degrees. 

Little pit stop at mile 10 to hug my little girl.

The city was basically shut down yesterday morning so 15,000 runners could do their thing on the streets of Denver. Sign me up for next year!!!

Kitten riding

In just 5 short days my brother and I are going to be riding in the Denver Kitten Riding Half Marathon!!! Meow!!!

Wha? Do you think we would be disqualified if we showed up with monster sized kitties? Perhaps, but since this was posted to my facebook page I thought I'd use it. The truth is, this kind of thing is EXACTLY why I love my brother so much. We have this very unique, known-you-since-birth kind of humor that, when together, I think confuses people. It can get wierd.

Adam's never been to Denver before. And me, well I've never actually run a race with a family member and this makes me VERY proud and excited. I'm also kind of nervous. Not about the family member part, but I guess about the agonizing lactic acid that seems to accumulate in massive quantities from my knees down.

KITTENS!!!

The oh so big thing in our lives.

There has been a really big thing that has been happening in my family. I have wanted to write about it for so long, to put it out there into the world. Wanting to know DOES ANYONE HAVE A CLUE WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT? Because let me tell you it has been intense, and continues to be. And none of us really has any idea of what we are doing.

You see, one of my family members is sick, really sick. For the sake of privacy I have not mentioned anything. But now we are so deeply ingrained in this sickness. There is no need to hide it. There is no need to feel shame in it. It just is and continues to be. I have received the blessings from my family to finally talk about it. Now I get to share this story, and please, if you have a story to share, please contact me. I feel like there is so much I want to ask you.

This person is my sister in law.

Kelly is a healthy, beautiful 43 year old woman. She has 4 beautiful children. Coming into this family I have viewed her as a kind of matriarch. Her mom (and my husband's) is no longer alive, and Kelly has always been such a seasoned mother. She'd call my husband all the time to check in, always ending the conversation with "I love you". Her heart is very, very good.

About a year and a half ago we started noticing that she was acting "strangely". She became socially awkward, in a way that we didn't understand. We didn't mention it to each other for awhile; it was just a subtle awkwardness. It was her lingering answers. Talking about a conversation that happened 10 minutes ago. A sort of obliviousness to the natural flow of conversation.

It kept getting worse. Eventually we started talking. "What's up with Kelly?" No one knew. She started acting stranger and stranger. She started making up stories, telling us bold faced lies that we all knew were not true. She was seeing and believing in things that weren't happening. It started getting scary. 

This is a strange situation to be in. We confronted her as a family. "Kelly, we think you need help". She would respond by changing the subject by telling an unrelated story. It continued to get worse. She became so "checked out" that you couldn't even have a reasonable conversation with her. We became desperate, really and truly having absolutely no idea what to do. She finally agreed to go to a psychiatrist.

Upon meeting Kelly the psychiatrist recommended that Kelly go to an inpatient psychiatric unit. So she did. She was there for several months and all she got was worse. And more worse. She started looking different. She would look at you with either a blank stare or total confusion. She showed no emotion whatsoever except when she would cry. Her body would shake. She was drifting so terribly far away from us and no one knew where she was going. Not even the doctors. She tried a multitude of medications and therapies, all to no avail. Eventually they said there just wasn't anything they could do for her. And this was a terrifying thing to hear.

She came home as a deeply sick woman. She wasn't able to take care of herself. She would wander. She couldn't be alone. Yet coexisting with her were her 7 year old daughter and her husband, both of them desperate for answers. Both of them desperate to have their wife and mom back.

Eventually her behaviors got her into a medical hospital and it was there that the picture began to make sense. At University of CO Hospital she received x-rays, CT scans, an MRI, blood work. A picture began to form. It explained to us how the beautiful, loving, smart mom and woman that we all knew and loved had changed into someone so sick. How she changed so dramatically in less than two years. 

Kelly, my 43 year old sister law and mother of four, has frontotemporal dementia.

Dementia.

At an alarming speed the cells in her brain were dying. This was on one hand relieving to GET A FRIGGING ANSWER and yet the most heartbreaking scenario that we could imagine. She was, and is, dying. Her brain is getting sicker and sicker, and YET, her body continues to be healthy, to be young. 

There is so much I want to say on this subject. I feel like I could type endlessly about grief. About frustrations with long term care placement. About Medicaid. About family dynamics. About loss. About being really fucking pissed off. About being really fucking sad. About having no control. About how to support each other. About what this is doing to Kelly's husband and her children . About losing somebody that is actually still right here with us. About how unbelievably expensive dementia facilities are.  How scared I am that there is a gene for this running in my daughter and my husband's DNA. How UNFAIR it is that someone in the prime of their life has to go through this.

We are learning so much but I will say that ultimately, this is a disease that does not have a lot of community support or information. You just don't expect to get something like this. You just don't.

I want to end this post by mentioning my brother in law, Rick (Kelly's husband). This is a man that literally had his world crash down on him, who day after day gets up, brushes himself off, and takes care of his wife and daughter (Kelly's other children of a previous marriage do not live with her.) Words can not possibly convey the work that he experiences with his job, his new role of being a father AND a mother, and the new "child" that is his wife, who constantly needs redirection and safety. Not to mention the forms, the guardianship, the long term care applications and a myriad of other things that frankly any young reader should and probably has no clue about. Yet despite all the trials he continues to be the strongest soldier in fighting for his family, and it is a constant battle. He does it because he must, but the quality about him that I most respect and admire, is his devout love for his wife. His sick, sick wife who only partly resembles the woman he married. His love has been profound and when I think about it I very clearly see how beautiful and heartbreaking, love can be. 

Love is about being present. When you have dementia, you lose your memories. Your future is uncertain. The mere ability to communicate overwhelms you. Being present is all that you have. Being present with her is the best that we can give. We are learning how to do this.