Taking the phone off the proverbial hook

There has been a lot going on here, and it's not the typical Memorial Day bbq, camping, cocktails in the afternoon sort of whoop-di-do. There's been a lot of changes to the routine. My niece came to live with us for the summer. We still have the big, looming thing with no answers. Ellie changed to a toddler bed. We massively reorganized our house. Oh, and I started my period, which officially makes this 3 months of "trying".

But like the whole "trying" thing, you just keep going even though there is sadness, and frustration, and disappointment. You keep trying. You keep moving in the direction you want to go.

This whole no-crib thing is just downright unnerving. After falling OUT of the new bed we bought for her and my consequent utter jumpiness at the smallest sound in the room my daughter is now finally relegated to her crib mattress on the floor. And we have taken a huge leap backwards in the saga of our breastfeeding. She was just about completely weaned and then suddenly her  world got all rearranged and that's all she wanted. Suddenly we had a new person in the same room that I needed her to be QUIET for (my niece). Insert boob. Step aside progress.

We did some fun stuff this weekend, like hiking with friends and a neighborhood block party and a trip to the zoo. These were all things that we forced room for, because our dance card was so full with practical, boring and very un-Memorial-day-weekend-y tasks.

We bickered with each other. Yet the sun was gloriously shiny and it was hard to not get caught up in the summer wave of love. I'm so thankful for that weekend sun.

But we are fried.

I feel very emotional, like someone is sitting on my chest. People have called us to check in and I just want to say sorry guys, I just haven't felt like talking. When the day is done I just have no interest in reliving it in a telephone conversation. Hope you understand.

Today I am thankful for my clean and organized house and the beautiful people that are in it. I'm also thankful for long, slow runs and the ability to burn off the crap that builds up inside.

After all, summer is here!

Treasures aplenty!

We didn't get to go camping as planned, but at least we enjoyed some Colorado nature.

Fun in the backyard. 

25th St. block party

Top bunk fun

Cousins!

where there's a will there's a way

messy, messy, messy

Our house is small, really small.
In order to maximize space and provide large open spaces for toddler playing, my husband and I sleep in the basement. It's not very pretty and is only utilized at night, or when I want to do laundry. And it's dark. But we always make the bed, but mostly it's because of my enormous fear of a spider crawling into the sheets.

Having a small space requires CREATIVITY. It also requires frequent face to faces with your stuff to assess if you really need it. Everything is very strategically placed. And I do mean strategic.

My niece is coming to live with us for the summer and it's sort of a last minute decision. And though I know this is POSSIBLE to fit a family of four in 1020square feet I will say that I've felt a touch OVERWHELMED at the magnitude of this project, the project of making room for a whole other person. Truly this is not to complain, because I know it can be done. Ellie and Maya (my niece) will have to share a room. But in doing so Ellie's room is moving, my CLOSET is moving (easy to type, total pain in the rear to execute) and all of the strategically placed stuff has to find new homes. A breeze if you have space to work with, but I do not. At least not yet. Not until I have figured out this puzzle, which is exactly what it is. There is an answer to the problem of the STUFF. And I have all day to figure it out.

We are excited for my niece to be here. But I am a little nervous in my crash course of having a 7 year old in the house. I'm very good with 2 year olds, but 7 is a whole different thing. Is this the stage where I should be getting Justin Bieber pinups and ICarly cd's? Too bad I don't have my old NKOTB paraphernia, for which I had an insane amount, as NKOTB (sorry NKOTBSB, cause they're with the Backstreet Boys now) and making a comeback! I was such a little pre-pubescent trendsetter, yo!

Anyway, I'm 100% up for this experience of living with my sweet little niece, and I want her to know in every way that she is loved and feels at home. And she will darn it. Because though making it feel homey is daunting now, I WILL WIN, HOUSE!!!!!

Rolling in the deep...

Sometimes life feels very heavy.

Sometimes there are problems that you just can't fix,

that no one can fix.

Sometimes all you can do is go through the sadness

and pray (if you pray)

and love. And be there for each other.

We have a family member who is very sick, and we don't know why.
Doctors don't know why.

We only know that everything is changed, and that's vague

but I can't say much more.

I can only say how terrible it feels to be powerless,

watching someone that you love get more and more far away.

(We miss her.)

You like to think when life gets heavy that you can keep your brave face on,

that you can smile and be nice.

But little things trigger you.
We have had a very emotional day.

After an evening of nonstop bickering with my husband we finally

stopped

and hugged for a very long time

and cried

and addressed the real issue

(which had nothing to do with furniture placement or meal plans).

We don't have answers right now,

only questions that beget more questions.

And we have each other.

Two

Two years of personhood,

of growing strength,

of learning words.

Two years of fitting perfectly into this family.

Two years since we held that tiny little 8 pound baby

and two years of complete and crazy love. 

Now she's two. 

She's 28.6 lbs.

 She's 35 inches tall.

She's obsessed with drawing, 

(preferrably in ink, on the wall)

She loves the sandbox, the water table,

making fake dinners on her kitchen

and playing with her friends.

She cracks herself up when she pretends to be sleeping.

She leaves the bathroom and shuts the door whenever I turn on my hairdryer. 

She MUST have walrus, polar bear, penguin and duck in her bath. 

She says "peas" and "tank oo". 

She does things for herself.

She adores her mommy and daddy.

She has a laugh that is so infectious, so genuine.

She's two. And she's perfect.

We started a birthday tradition this year: balloons first thing in the morning. She just loved them. And I betcha she'll love them when she's 16, too!

A very low key party at the park. Nothing says fun like toddler glee...

Now THIS is serious business.

Lala made Ellie the coolest handknit birthday banner!

Birthday are exhausting!

Happy birthday baby. You make mama proud!

excuse me while I wipe these crumbs off my overly articulate fingers...

I've had better weekends. I'll just say that it's sunday night and I'm typing this with Pita Chip crumbs on my fingers and a tub of cream cheese next to my computer because THAT's just been the kind of mood I'm in. It's been very rainy here, which we need and so yes I'm glad, but put me on day 4 of consecutive sun deprivation and I tend to get the teensiest bit depressed. God love that husband of mine because I spent a good part of today analyzing every bad thing in our marriage, which really does not add up to much. I had to work both saturday AND Sunday. I napped. I wanted to entertain Ellie with TV. I put sad songs on my headphones. I got SUCKED INTO MY PERSONAL PIT OF VITAMIN D DEFICIENT BLUES. And no, surprisingly, I'm not on my period. I was just in a F-U-N-K.

I will never, ever, ever live in the rain-soaked Pacific Northwest. If I decide this is a good idea then please slap me.

In other news, fitness seems to be the ringing trend. My brother ran in Bay to Breakers today in San Francisco and I was just so PROUD of him. He's really incorporated running into his life which is so inspiring. Prior to him I thought I was literally the only member of my family that had any sort of gene for running. But my LITTLE BROTHER has it and for some reason it warms my heart! In any case, facebook seems to be alive with running stats and running apps. The Colfax Marathon was today and runs right next to my house. People are MOVING AND SHAKING and it is all so SUMMERY (I'm talking season). It makes me want to sign up for some sort of goal, so badly really.

This is where I let a hypothetical cat out of a very hypothetical bag:

I'm not committing to any races (except for one, not-hard relay..Team Raging Bitches, yo!) because maybe, what if, I happened to get pregnant...(which I'm NOT). But you know, what if, because yes we happen to be trying. And who knows what the hell the outcome will be of that but the point is won't I feel like a schmuckaroo if I commit to something and then become the first trimester McDonald's french fry eating, nauseated ball of jelly that I have such fond memories of. Ah memories.

I actually don't feel like that is letting any sort of cat out of the bag. I'm not pregnant, or at least if I am I don't know it yet. I'm just not the type of person to wait until the end of a first trimester to even mention something that frankly, is sort of a big deal. No I'm not pregnant but we're TRYING! And in that trying my mind becomes a bit fixated. And I like to talk about shit like that. That's just overly-talkative-open-book me. Overly-talkative-often-puts-my-foot-in-my-mouth me. You love me, right? (just say right)

Anyway, since I disclosed my big personal desire (baby) I am able to discuss my big personal fears, things like my fear of LOSING my fitness, of suddenly having my arduously tweaked, well working routine messed with, of sleeplessness, of the trauma that Ellie might feel when she has to share me. The fear that I won't be able to get pregnant. The fear that I could lose a baby. The forum is now opened. And if I have problems with any of said concerns, I can talk about that. Because trust me, I'll want to.

After all, this whole blogging business, as time consuming as it can be, has got to be the cheapest therapy around....

Where does she get that glow?

The glow of a mom comes from deep within.

It's in their smile when they look at their children.

It's in their strong bodies and souls as they keep their children safe.

It's in the quiet gracefulness of watching their children grow.

It's in the loveliness of feeling their babies' sweet skin.

It's in the wisdom of teaching.

It's in the wonder of sharing.

It's in the joys of laughter.

It's in the comfort of being with the ones you love most.

Happy Mother's Day to all! Go hug a mom!

**order of pictures: Darci, Betsy, Annie, Marybeth, my sister Jaime, my siste in law Danielle, my sister in law Darsey, my grandmother (and mom and Aunt Kay), and my mom (and me)

Fashion Friday, picked out by the little diva herself

Jean jacket: Gap
Diaper: Eco Bumz
Headphones: straight out of the 80's

When I die please read this at my funeral.

I think about death a lot. I think about it because it's my job to think about it. I think about it in relation to my life. Sometimes thoughts of death are fear driven, other times they are the quiet expectation that death is another part of the journey that we all must endure.

I do not know "what" happens when we die, and my ideologies have morphed as I've moved along my spiritual journey. So I look at what I "know". I know that I am a part of this earth. I know that I can not survive outside of this Earth. I know that my body is magnetically pulled to this Earth. I know that, like the earth, my body is made of water and carbon and cells. I know that my body, like all things on earth, grows and then starts to decay. It morphs into something else. Bones become dust become dirt become soil become crops that feed life, and the cycle continues. And man I think that is beautiful.

I feel like I am a part of Earth's pulse, experiencing my LIFE. I am filled with JOY and LOVE when my tired bones reach the top of a mountaintop or come to rest at the shore of a body of water. There, I get answers to questions I do not consciously ask. I find peace without even searching for it. It's like crawling into the bosom of my Mother Earth and letting her love wrap around me. It's where, on a soul level, I feel most "at home".

That's what I believe, but truly I respect everyone's thoughts on death and what their belief systems are. Beliefs are funny things, and the only thing I really "know" of my beliefs, is that I don't really know at all. There is too much mystery in the world to claim to "know" anything. So I just listen to my body, to the birds, the beating of my heart, and know that I am okay. We're okay. We all move along on our journeys with our own views, our own experiences, our own joys, our own frustrations. We don't need to find all the answers. We don't need to all agree.

One day my body will be gone, changed, a different manifestation of cells. You can call it God. You can call it Earth. You can call it whatever you want. 

I call it awesome.

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

-Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.

What I can't feel right now

What I can't feel right now is joyous. Right now the news, Facebook and Twitter are all abuzz about the news of Osama Bin Laden's death. There is so much video of people rejoicing in the streets, the JOY in the crowds, the glory of this accomplishment, singing "Na na na na, goodbye" like they would at a high school basketball game. Facebook and Twitter status updates of patriotism. America wins. The bad guy got caught. "Ding Dong Osama is Dead" I read somewhere.

I remember that 2001 day like yesterday. Pinned to the radio, leaving work early, driving home with my mouth open, spending the day with my friend who was realizing he had just lost several coworkers and friends, how close he was to being in that Twin Tower. We walked the streets of Portland, ME just like everyone else, with a sort of dull visceral pain that we didn't know what to do with. Signs on businesses saying "Gone home to be with family". Watching the faces behind the bars gazing at the tv's. So much grief. So many tears.

And my story is nothing.
The horrors of those images, those sounds, that dust, unconscionable.
Humans doing this each other, why?

I'm not saying I want him alive.
I'm just saying that none of it feels good.