Appreciating that which I can not do.

As a nurse I know what I can do and what I can't.

I know how to be a strong, compassionate presence in the home of a dying person.

I know how to respond quickly when patients get into a pain crisis or struggle to breathe.

I know how to work with the system to get a patient what they need.

I know how to listen to the grief of family members and not bring it home.

I know what it means to watch a human die.

And I know that absolutely none of the above apply when the death involves a child.

Adults and children are such entirely different animals to me. I am okay with adults, even the younger adults (though I won't say that's not hard). But children are where I draw my invisible nursing line. This restricts me in some ways, in nursing ways. I can't be the go-anywhere hospice nurse because of this caveat. But I don't care, because I can't and I know it.

We recently admitted a 23 month old child, exact same age as Ellie, and I was not her nurse, yet as I left the hospital I broke down crying. I transported myself to that child's hospital room and touched upon That Grief. Do you know what I mean when I say That Grief? If you've ever lost someone important then you may. It's the kind of grief that feels like a bottomless pit of despair and sadness, from which you wonder if you will ever recover. It's so unbearably heavy. Anyway I thought about myself, crying as I drove down the road and I didn't even see this child. Yet I was so profoundly affected by this patient that it just drove the point home: I can't take care of kids. I don't want to be a peds nurse and I especially don't want to be a peds hospice nurse. No. Way. In. Hell.

Being involved in so much death does add up in incremental ways and sometimes I just need to go and have a really good run, or a really good cry to help release it. I've feel I've done a good job incorporating some balance into my life and that balance is a finely tuned skill that you just have to learn from experience. Being a nurse to a dying child would tilt that balance so much that I just don't think I could handle it. Maybe I could have before I had Ellie. Before I felt That Love.

I would like to personally thank all of those pediatric nurses, NICU nurses and hospice nurses that take care of the young. Thank you for taking on that incredibly hard and emotionally challenging job. I truly appreciate you.

The marriage, in the aftermath of child.

Really I think a large book could be written about what having a child does to a marriage. I'm just going to say, in my edited bloggy fashion, that it's hard. When you spend a large part of your childless relationship giving attention to your partner, and receiving it from said partner, it's wierd when suddenly there is a tiny little human that comes along and seizes all of that lovely energy. The sexiness fades. Nighttimes become the sacred time when all is quiet and the baby is down and you get to be ALONE. Alone with your sweatpants and Hanes Her Ways. (And maybe your bowl of ice cream and sex and the city rerun.) That is when your body is free and you are not being clawed by child. Not a time when you feel like tearing each others' clothes off if you know what I mean.

Marriage sort of of morphs into a tag team parenting approach, where one parent relieves the other, who relieves the other. And you feel grateful for the other, because without them life would be UTTER CHAOS. And yet sometimes you feel angry at them, and you do the ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING thing of comparing who does more and that is the worst approach ever but you STILL DO IT.
 
Mike and I celebrated a wedding anniversary yesterday. And I had a very sweet blog post I was going to write that required some recent pictures of us. As I was scouring the TONS of recent pictures of us, all of them except one have a certain (adorable) little girl in them, too. And that made me a little sad when I realized how much energy we DON'T put into each other. Sometimes it just feels impossible to. But actually I don't really believe that.

ANYWAY, we DID SOMETHING about all this over the weekend. This weekend our old nanny stayed at our house ALL NIGHT while Mike and I stayed at a hotel. Sure the hotel was local, but it was not here. Sure we woke up at 715 the next morning but the point was we COULD have slept in. Sure we had to pay an exorbitant sum of money to have a babysitter and a hotel within 15 miles of our home but suddenly that ridiculous sounding expense is WORTH IT. Ellie will be 2 in May and this is the first time we've ever been away from her all night. It felt healthy. And it felt really good to just have my husband along. It felt really great to just enjoy his company. And you know what, we had a BLAST. It was really, truly awesome.

The point: having a child is hard on a marriage, which I truly believe is somewhat inevitable. Having a baby makes you restructure and rethink ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. It sends you on a little toddler tizzy but as you go reeling into the vast expanse of all things child you bring it all back around to him. Your partner. Your partner who is also in the same baby warp. You both at the end of the day have each other to share with, decompress with, and appreciate.

I love that husband of mine. I'm happy to be on this crazy journey of life with him. Hard times and all.

the evil mommy torturing twin (and fashion friday)

I have to admit that yesterday when I had to give three time outs before 8:30am because my sweet 22 month old toddler kept standing on her chair (and then fell off. Why? Because MOMMY IS RIGHT), all intermixed with nonstop whining and inability to make her happy that I was just the teensiest bit ready to send her off to day care. Okay I'll admit, I COULDN'T PACK HER BAG FAST ENOUGH. Because the crazy thing is that she is GOOD over there. Miss Jackie is always telling me what a great day she's had and all the sharing she did and she is so happy when I pick her up like she just had the best day in the world. Then we get in the car and "she" appears...

the evil, mommy-torturer twin.

We drive home from day care.
"Nack?" (Snack). She says from the back seat.
"No Ellie I don't have a snack."
 "Nack? NACK! NACK!".
"Choo choo?" (Thomas the train)
"Nack?"
"Tata?" (breastfeeding, so hooked)
"TATA!!!!" "NACK!!!" "NACK!!!!" "CHOO CHOO!!!"
"TATA!!!!" "TATAAAAA!!!!!"

Later in the evening I had to laugh to myself as I imagined what an onlooker would see if they peered into our world. It's dinnertime. Ellie, dipping her tofu nuggets into ranch dressing and then staring at the dressing pouring off the nugget as if it was all wrong and then SCREAMING in frustration and throwing it madly onto the floor. I give her another one. Same frustrated dripping of ranch! Same scream of frustration and tofu nugget gets chucked to the floor! "Down? Down! Down!" I reluctantly do let her get down from the table (she's not eaten a bite). She's crying, clawing at my leg. "Tata?" "No Ellie, mommy and daddy are eating right now". So we sit, in dull awkward silence and eat our dinners. I look over at Mike who stares into space, eyes occasionally closing for long periods of time.  "Tata?" "TATA!!! TATA!!!!" Mike rolls his eyes because this tata thing is getting old. We finish our meals. "Tata? TATA!" Me, I eventually give in, because frankly tata DOES calm her down. She gets tata and I instantly watch all the fear and stress start to leave her. So we have tata. She relaxes. We regroup as a family. Mike pretends to cook food on her kitchen. Ellie is interested, joins him, is laughing. . Ellie's mood turns and she becomes delightful. Mike and I exchange looks, an unspoken feeling of relief from the toddler shitstorm. Mike and I are like two soldiers, battered from war but on duty. We love that conflicted child even when the RANCH IS DIPPING ALL WRONG! Because DAMNIT, sometimes that happens.

Anyway, it's friday, so I leave you with today's Fashion Friday.
Have a bad ass weekend!

Tshirt: Lucky
Cardigan: Old Navy
Leggings: Exhilaration
Leg Warmers: Zoots

Tick tock, child. Tick tock.

As an employee I feel lame most of the time while trying to juggle the duties of being a mother. I can't see those emergency-needs-patients outside of my scheduled shifts because I have Ellie here. I miss out on the peer comraderie at happy hour get togethers because of said child. I'm often the one with a screaming toddler as I'm talking to a pharmacist or a doctor on the phone (insert boob. Want to know why I'm still breastfeeding?)

So when my monthy staff meeting is geniously at 8:00am I'm sitting here outside of my child's door, drumming my fingers, wanting to tell my boss that there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm going to wake up this kid to bring her to daycare, because HELLO you have not SEEN GRUMPY.

So I wait, and think of a list of cool excuses that I could use to explain why I, again, suck as an employee. I'm sure my boss won't buy it. I'm too predictable at this point. She'll just see me coming running into staff meeting, late, fumbling wildly inside my purse for pens, my phone, accidentally pulling out a diaper (done that) and laughing at the food stains on my shirt (which HOW DO I MISS THOSE?).

It's a glamourous life, ya'll.

As a working mom there always seems to be a struggle between being a good employee and my responsibilities with being a mom. The mom stuff will always win. But I still have to give attention and effort to being a good nurse. I have been bare-minimum-girl since Ellie's been born, and though I do it to dedicate as much time as possible to being a mom, it bothers me, at least when I am at work, or when I am barely making it to mandatory staff meetings. I want to be more than that. I want to be an excellent nurse, be abreast on current practices, attend the "extra" meetings at my work, be a presence in the hospice nursing community.

I also, and most importantly, want to be an excellent mom. And I don't want to miss anything.

So therein the struggle lies.

I don't expect any answers, only a constant attempt to handle both sides of the coin as well as I can.




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Happy Spring

The air is blowing through my windows!
The Sun is warming my face!
The flowers are peeking their little flower faces out into the sun!

Goodbye Winter, but not good riddance.
You are needed for this land
(and for this heart).
A darkness before light.
A rest before the work.
A contrast as a reminder to be grateful.

There is much to be done in Spring,
but it is done with gladness
it's like the Earth (and my heart) are yelling "yipee!!"





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Fashion Friday!!!

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Welcome to Fashion Friday. This is where all outfits that are adorable and cute get to escape the terrible fate of being outgrown or left to die on a hanger in a closet.

Pants: Mishu Lulu
Top: Gap
Jacket: Gap, hand me down from my sister in law
Shoes: See Kai Run, gift from Kim (Thanks lady!)
Hat: Old Navy










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I went away.

I used to live in San Francisco, just before I moved to Denver. I loved it there. I loved the amazingly beautiful landscape. I loved special people. I loved making music with my friends. I was supported in such a spiritual way. But some other force led me away to Denver. Even though my family had just decided to join me in California (from Maine). Even though I had beautiful friends. Even though I had love. Some powerful and invisible force spoke to me. It made no sense really, but it was so loud. And so I listened.

I go back to the bay area now and it feels bittersweet. Life keeps moving on even though I am gone. I know it, I expect it, yet still there is a sting. I feel joy and sadness. There is so much that I miss. Part of me wants to contain it all. Part of me wants to put my feet into the never healthy waters of "what if". Part of me wants to sit on a rolling hill overlooking the Pacific Ocean and let emotions move me.

Part of me.
It is a part of me.
The people that I loved are a part of me.

There is a line in "Eat, Pray, Love" when the main character talks about her incredible sadness she feels about missing an old love. The wise advice she received was "So miss him. Then let him go."

I will let myself miss my former life there. Then I will let it go.

I regret nothing in this life. Nothing. I spent the last 5 days holding the tiny hand of my beautiful daughter and showing her all sort of magical things that the Bay Area has to offer. My heart overflowed.

My life is just where it is supposed to be.

I will always return to that beautiful part of the world, which now hosts my mother and brother's family. I will always see it through the rich memories it gave me, and for the ones yet to be created.

FASHION FRIDAY!!!

Welcome to the first edition of Fashion Friday. This is where all outfits that are adorable and cute get to escape the terrible fate of being outgrown or left to die on a hanger in a closet.

This week's fashion friday comes to you by my favorite new toddler designer, Matilda Jane. I picked up this little number on Ebay. It's slightly too big but will be lovely in the winter when she's grown.
Shoes: Children's Place. Boys section.
Tights: Target
Jacket: old navy

This outfit is also super good for TWIRLING!!!!!!!!!!!!



The privileges of being alive

I get to choose how I feel.
I get to feel the fullness of happy
and the trenches of sadness.
I get to take life by the shirt collar and do what needs to be done.
I get to see a dynamic landscape.
I get to smell the wet earth.
taste the sweetness of honey.
feel the warm skin of my perfect daughter when I hold her heart to mine.
I get to feel pain in my muscles
and the joy of a well deserved rest.
I get to feel anger and frustration
and I get to use that as a contrast to know what it feels like
to be free.

I get to love.
I can hold you in the warm yellow light of my heart
and see you. You are beautiful. 
I get to stand on the edge of a mountain top, head back, heart wide open.
I get to offer myself to the world.







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Supermom = Supertired.

The past two days I have been in a bubble.
Mike has been sick. Really sick. It has incapacitated him really so I have done it all.
Doing it all is hard.
On one hand, it's kind of fun, like when I've just gone to the park, Home Depot, Whole Foods, come home and make a rockin lunch, fold all the laundry and laugh and giggle with my cute daughter.
It feels good to feel a little bit of a supermom.
But then she starts whining. She doesn't understand why Daddy can't play.
She won't nap (you were counting on that nap).
She clings, she fusses, she defiantly colors on the table and stands up on her chair.
She throws food on the ground.
Backdrop to the scene is a bitter cold day.
I start to feel tired.
I want a break. I can't get one.
The dishes pile up. There are multitudes of toys on the ground. (She wants none of them.)
She only wants me, and Daddy who she can not have. She wants my direct attention at all times.
We snuggle. We watch a cartoon. She gets fussy. I get a second wind knowing there is no end in sight for several hours.
Did I mention that it is also freezing outside so we are home bound?
We go from station to station. The housework gets squeezed in. I make Daddy some soup.
We had highs and lows. Smiles and tears.
But we did it.

The point is, not having Daddy around was hard. He is the pea to my pod. The Johnny to my Frankie. We support each other and I really appreciate him. We missed our super special Sunday family day as is every other Sunday. It's just not the same without  Daddy.

We're glad he's feeling better.

and p.s.:Single moms are AMAZING. To you I humbly bow.

Life with child (winter edition)



We stroll through the park.



We make visual masterpieces!

We have fun with everyday objects

We take the baby out for a stroll (dressed up of course)

Lunch at the Toddler Tent

Airplane Rides!



We drink tea together



We endure cold, but pretty hikes



Act like the rockstars that we are!





What happened to mommy's special time.

I've had my blog mojo ON lately and it has felt amazing. My words has been able to spill upon this computer effortlessly in the wee early hours when it's just me, lappy, and my cup of hot coffee. It's my special time. It's the time that I earned through several forced 5am wakeups in the process of retraining my brain to be a morning person.

That being said, I have not written in a few days, nor have I had a cup of hot coffee in quiet morning hours. A certain toddler shall remain nameless but let's just say that mommy has realized how important this quiet morning time I've allotted for myself has become. And how badly I don't want it to be messed with. As much as I love my daughter and crave picking her up in the morning I will say that my heart sinks a little when I pour my beloved joe into my cup, head into the living room and hear "mommy. mommy. mommy. mommy." Then "MOMMY. MOMMY. MOMMY. MOMMY". Quickly followed by loud persistent crying by me Ellie. Once she's up, it's GO time. And that poor neglected cup of coffee will just have to be warmed up later.

Ellie is really coming into something. What? I wish I knew. Our afternoons have been challenging with LOTS of whining and no clear idea of what she is really whining about. We seem to be incapable of keeping her happy as she appears to really not know what it is she wants. She wants to watch "choo choo" [Thomas the Train]! No! "Melmo" [Elmo]! No! "Mal" [milk]! No! "Joo" [juice]! No! "Nack" [snack]! She wants Mommy. No she wants Daddy. She wants Mommy. No she wants Daddy.

Her appetite is terrible. She screams when we put her in the tub.

She has a fear about pooping. Where I used to let her roam about diaper free, well, a lot (hey it's hardwood), she now insists on a diaper. Recently she pooped in the tub and screamed and screamed and you would have thought she had just committed the most heinous crime in the world. Her baby potty also seems to have monsters in it because she is NOT having it.

She's been waking up at night. A lot. And now she's been getting up during mommy's special time, which translates to MUCH TOO EARLY.

It's all a lot. And honestly in my heart of hearts, I don't mind any of this. I can deal with it. It's watching her inner confliction that's so hard. I want to help her to feel better but I so often don't know how. Additionally I don't want to cater to her every whim. Sometimes you HAVE to take a bath. You HAVE to poop. You HAVE to sit down to dinner with mom and dad.

I have read that as soon as you are used to one stage it morphs into something entirely different. I suspect that's what we're in the midst of over here. It's a lot of growing pains. There's a lot going on in that brain. Her language is exploding. She's inquisitive and funny and curious. She's adorable and getting so big. She is a little person! With such a budding little personality! It is a delight to watch her figure out the world.

I continue to be thankful for her and for being her mommy. We'll get through this more challenging time. We are here for her when she just needs to have a meltdown. We know the world can be hard to figure out. We know that sometimes you just need a good cry. We will give her a safe place to do that.

...and cross our fingers it's after 6:30am.

treasure hunting

Yesterday was my special Monday with Ellie. We walked slowly through the park. We pointed out squirrels and birds. We talked to the geese. We paid attention to the details.

Even though Winter is upon us and much of the landscape is brown, we managed to bring home an abundance of treasure from our day.

It seems that no matter where I am in life, when I walk slow, look around, and pay attention, there is always an abundance of treasure to be found.