a true test of love

The irritating beautiful thing about a marriage is mastering the art of compromise. I am a strong personality, I fully admit this. And basically I want what I want
, when I want it. And learning to yield from this and accept other people's (namely my husband's) opinions is not exactly my favorite thing to do. That said, this weekend was spent indoors, trying to make this house that feels made for midgets, feel NEW again. Answer to this dilemna? A massive, multi-room rearrange.

Rearranging is great, once finished. But getting there is a rough road. I want to do everything, and do everything now. No dilly-dallying. Get 'er done, so to speak. And I have clear visions of furniture placement that I really don't want to discuss, I just want executed. So on top of little mini squabbles and the visibly difficult time I have in stopping to listen to other's points of view (that I already have so perfectly figured out..c'mon!), rearranging also entails the in-your-face reality of how much shit you actually have. Then you and your loved one must make cases for various piles of crap. Maybe said loved one gets a little pissy that you put his Nike basketball sneakers in a Goodwill pile because you were convinced he wouldn't notice. Maybe you make a quick visit to the neighbors wearing a shawl circa 2002 so you can say you officially wore it in the last three years, and therefore not have to throw it out. Maybe there were a few bitter references (or at least thoughts) about the show "Hoarders". And on top of all that drama, we have an 8 MONTH OLD who needs oh so much attention. So one of us is baby to hip, usually me, directing traffic and inserting their very important opinions.

Rearranging is So. Much. Fun.

But I jest a bit. In spite of all of the annoyances, it is so fun to breathe new life into a stagnant space. Our house feels new again. I like being in it. And that's surely worth a weekend of hassles.

Where are you poop-o-meter?

Bedtime is a crappy time to try to decipher. I mean this literally. We are so close to sleeping through the night that I can almost feel it. Sometimes my kid starts her little "uh I'm changing positions" whimper. And I've learned to ignore it. Sometimes that escalates, but if I know that she's got lots of food in that tank, then I ignore it. So don't I feel like the WORLD'S WORST MOTHER when I go to scoop up my sweet little baby in the morning and she's covered in DRIED crap!!! Oh dear. Surely she'll be developing a massive infection or horrific diaper rash all because I was too lazy to check on her cries for help. Oh. My. God.

Can someone PLEASE invent a poop-o-meter, or some sort of device that sends alarms through the entire house as soon as shit hits the diaper?

And today, oh today took the cake. There were no cries, but this morning when I went to change my beautiful baby, I sat in horror for the mere moments that it took me to figure out what all of the chunky white things were ALL OVER my baby!!! Oh. My. God! Does she have a Guiness book of World Record yeast infection???? No, my kid had to pee so much that she exploded her diaper and was literally and completely soaked. And I recently learned the little factoid that the average diaper can hold 7 pounds of liquid.

Moving on....I am ON it right now and it feels great! And I do believe this motivation is purely situational, due to the location of my NEW friend being 5 houses away and her SWEET workout room and her AWESOME motivation. So we just get together and do videos, but I've learned that when you actually DO the videos, whatdayknow? You actually can sweat. Who knew? In any case, sometimes just getting over the hurdle of getting your body used to daily exercise is all you need to get that motor running. (don't do it. Don't sing the song. I HATE George Thorougood. Ehem.)

So if you have not watched Modern Family (wednesdays on ABC) then you are truly missing out. They are laugh out loud hilarious! Check out this clip, only a taster.

Wordy wednesday

I am tired, yo. I've been coming home from work, or if it's an Ellie belly day waiting for Mike to come home from work, and start dreaming of bed immediately. I have a faint memory of Mike trying to wake me up this morning and all I remember is I was DEEP. I'm talkin "don't even try to rouse this insanely tired mama because any talking you do at me at this point is only going to get incorporated into my dream because there is no possible way I can come to". That kind of tired.

And so I didn't meet my new workout buddy at 6am but rather tonight, at 8:30pm, and now it's 11 and I am WIRED! I am like "let's bust out the pinesol and get crackin on these floors and then organize the shelves and clean out the fridge finally. " And so yeah I'm sort of second guessing that 7:30 pm cup of coffee and late night workout, because really, REALLY I need to be sleeping. Tomorrow I am hitting the door running.

So our Mike's side of the family christmas is on Sunday and I basically have to start a knitting marathon for the next few days to get all of the gifts I so well intentionally planned in my head finished. Oh silly me. Always trying to bite the horses head, er take the horse by the head, er whatever that saying is. In the end the extravagant patterns I so thoughtfully mulled over for each person will probably turn into a pile of hats because a)they're easy, and b)they're easy.

In other news, I took a step back recently and gave myself a little talking to. I told myself that the Twilight Series are only books, and that they are fiction. And that yes Rob Pattinson is uncommonly good looking but I'm married. And Taylor Lautner is insanely adorable, but he's seventeen. And yes Stephanie Meyer has written the perfect suck-you-in books, but really I don't want to wish vampires into my life. And I don't want to shirk my parenting and work related duties because I simply must finish another chapter. Sigh. So I have relegated my reading to nighttimes only. And occasional breastfeeding sessions. And believe me, the separation has been healthy. Man, who knew I was so susceptible to the teenage demographic fantasies? I should bust out those old Sweet Valley Highs again!

In more adult news, Mike and I are going to see Avatar on Friday. I truly have absolutely no idea what it's about and I'm pretty excited to be perfectly surprised. But on the other hand we are apparently going to be seeing the most popular movie in America on America's most popular night for dating. So, we'll see, America. You, me, and a hot date with my husband. Bring it on!

Happy Wednesday everyone. Is it just me or time just a tickin!??

Um, yeah I meant to do that.

So I just made the Felicity hat (pattern by this very cool lady), and I think it looks pretty stinkin cute on Ellie. So, like, here ya go Ellie. A new hat for you. That I, um, sort of meant to make for me. Guess that's why you're supposed to [nasal voice] "check your gauge". Doh!

It changes everyday.

My kid is mobile now. Though it's not exactly crawling per se, it's a mean worm. A worm that can go the distance. And she now has 4 teeth. And she's shooting up like a frickin bean sprout. And she can eat SO MUCH food. And she can say da-da. (Yeah, da-da. Ergh.) And she can (kind of) wave hello.

And so in keeping up with these momentous daily developments, and the fact that she can now eat like a horse, I am trying to figure out what to do about breastfeeding. It's become clear to me that I just can't keep up anymore. Ellie can easily chug an 8 oz bottle, and I watch her try so very hard to get what she needs from mama. It takes her so long with no satisfaction. Which leads me to wonder if we have reached the end of the milk producing road. I know, I know, [nasally voice] "you should breastfeed for at least a year." Ugh. You know what Dr. Sears? You know what La Leche league? You know what Kellymom? Bite me. You try going from patient to patient during the working day driving along with a frickin breastpump attached to you, ever so systematically avoiding mack trucks so they can't peer down at you and get an eyeful. Oh I will not miss the pumping. But I will miss the closeness. And so that's why I haven't completely jumped off the fence yet. Baby steps.

In other news I have made a new friend who lives 5 doors down and has a fricken yoga studio in her house and is all about us getting together to exercise. So I got my tired ass up at 5:55am and met her at her house at 6am. Repeat tomorrow and continuously. I feel like I used my mad jedi skills to manifest her because I have been really struggling with fitting workouts out into this baby laden life of mine. And I'm ready to be ripped. And that brings me back to breastfeeding. I'm feeling ready to have my body back. MY body. Not that I don't love these crazy curves, but they're not mine really. So I don't want to get too attached. They aren't here to stay.

The 'tude

There is one simple truth that I have an uncanny knack for forgetting: it's all about the attitude.

Sometimes I have to kick myself for forgetting this simple concept. These are the times when I get a little pissy that all of the sudden our house feels like it was built for midgets and there are baby toys everywhere. Or that unwinding after work now means trying to pin down the wiggliest 7 month old in the world to get her pajamas on her. Or that in being someone's nurse you are expected to have the answer to every medical problem someone experiences. Sometimes I feel stressed when I can not be what people look to me to be. When I can't make it all better. When I listen to my baby have coughing fits in the middle of the night. When I forget to order a patient their medication. When I know my baby is in the throws of separation anxiety and whomever I leave her with is going to have to deal with that.

And yet there are times when I get in the car to start my day and feel real joy about my job, and feel really special about the role I'm playing in someone's last days. There are the times when I am playing on the floor with my daughter and think there could not be a greater happiness then loving this little perfect being and seeing her thrive. Or watching her face as she suddenly learns a new skill. Or looking over at my husband as we rock out in Rockband and knowing that we are together, bonded by love and rock and roll.

And so it's a funny balance between these two worlds, discord and contentment. The situations remain the same, yet the emotions are worlds apart, completely defined in how I choose to approach them. Kind of makes me think that maybe I'm not so powerless.

Kind of makes me think I need to remember this more often.

In be "tween"

I'm one of those easily affected people when I watch tv. And when I read books. I told ya'll about my new Twilight series confession. Well I'm still in it. Deeply. I took a little breather after finishing New Moon because, well frankly, I need to actually "do" some stuff. Like find childcare, and clean my house. But my self-imposed restraint took a little hiatus today when me and my friend Betsy saw New Moon at the theater.

I love my husband. You should all know this as the God honest truth. But I am a human! And when Rob Pattinson walks across the screen as the topless forlorn vampire that he is, well you all will just have to excuse me while I revisit my 14 year old self. OMG it's Rob Pattinson!!! Gasp. If you have not read these books then you would not have fallen deeply in love with this character and you would have surely thought he was a good looking man but you would not have thought that nearly to the depths of me, a 32 year old married woman who is living vicariously through the pages of tweenage novels. But I'm done apologizing for my lack of literary refinery. I'm smitten.

And so when I came home from the movie I sort of asked Mike if he'd put a little white powder on his face and puff up his hair a bit. He won't. He's a total party pooper.

So speaking of obsessions I told ya'll how Mike and I got Rockband. So we named our band S and M and we've been "touring" and practicing and totally kicking butt. But we are two lone soldiers. We either a) can't find anyone to play in our band, or b) find people to play in our band but they TOTALLY SUCK!!!!! Is it TOO MUCH to ask for normal, well-meaninged friends who can keep a beat and have some sort of musical know-how?

In other news the childcare search has begun. I put an ad on craigslist and HOLY HELL! I now see that there is no real shortage of people willing to watch your child. And so the problem now is sorting through the plethora of responses to my wee little ad for part time care. This is tricky to do but there are a few criteria that immediately nixes you from the running. A) This is email, not texting and if ur 2 buzy to rite norml than you're out. B) IF YOU ARE SO HIGH STRUNG THAT YOU SIMPLY MUST WRITE IN ALL CAPS THEN YOU ARE OUT. c) If you are so busy that all you can write is "see resume" then you are out.

Trouble is, that only weeds out a few. There are a lot of really awesome sounding people out there. And so I'm guessing that finding that perfect fit is all about intution, and TIMING. I have faith it will work out. And I'm super psyched to find someone to come to my house to watch my precious little kid. No more schlepping of the stuff! The stuff. The stuff!!! If a fly on the wall could see me as I have tried to leave the house for a typical day at work. Work bag, baby bag, bag of food, freezer bag for expressed milk, pumping supplies bag, purse. Oh yeah, and KID. I'm telling you forget bicep curls. Have a kid! Maybe I should put that in my ad. Must love children and must be able to bench at least 20 pounds.

Well anyhoo, Mike has gone out so I'm going to leave now so I can sit here on the couch and enjoy my glorious aloneness. Praying the baby monitor doesn't start making noises. Dreaming of vampires.

Here we go

Well the babyshare part of my jobshare is now officially over. Not that I don't love that little man I was watching, but it will be nice to actually enjoy the "part-time" of part time job. Because watching 2 rapidly developing babies when you're "not working", well that's just plain comical. So....today officially begins an endeavor that I imagine will be strongly tied in to my future stresses....CHILD CARE.

Sigh.

Man I really think the hardest part about being a mom is the learning to let go part. I hate parting ways, even if only for the working day. But love don't pay those bills now, does it? So here I go, off to the world of Craigslist where I intend to be camped out for a large part of the evening. I'm brand new at this childcare finding business, and I expect there will be a lot of learning involved.

best baby evah!

I can't believe I'm even writing this.

What I mean is, I can't believe I managed to pull myself away from my completely self-indulgent teenage fantasy land that is the Twilight series. Shoot, man. I put that off for a while. I've had those books sitting on my shelf, insisted that they be read by my neighbor. Sure, sure. I'd get around to it. But you know there are a lot of things I've been meaning to read, and this is like, for teenagers.

Well call me little darlin and let me pin up my jeans! Holy crap have I been sucked in! Those books, they are not "well written" from any literary standpoint no doubt. But their gooshey, romantic innards are far too much to resist. Before you know it you are staying up till 1am reading even though your dog tired and picking your book back up in the morning before you even get out of your bed. I have to hand it to this Stephanie Meyer (author). I can honestly say that as soon as I open the book up now I am instantly transported to her mystical creature laden teenage dream land. And do I feel cool about this? No, not really. But am I resisting it? Hell no!

So later gators. I have to go back to my vampire boyfriend.

Holy crap, it's a new year!

Wow did I abandon this blog!

You see I hit a wierd sort of wall in December. All of the sudden life felt very difficult, very heavy. Christmas. Work. Family. I felt overwhelmed. Even this blog felt burdensome.

Then we went on a vacation. In fact, I'm still technically on said vacation, just home now. We went to California and stayed with my mom. And suddenly I had family around that wanted to help out with the baby, that wanted to babysit. I wasn't living in my own mess. My work phone was left home with the battery removed. Christmas came and went and I made a point to keep very few social obligations. I needed to check out from my life. I needed to feel family support.

And so truth be told I'm pretty bummed that tomorrow is monday and this glorious week and a half is ending. And to top that off I have a nasty cold right now. Soooo, I literally have milked these last few days since we returned home for all of the beautiful laziness that I can. Here are the three things that I have been alternating between, you know, when Ellie is taken care of and I have me time. (please note that laundry and housework is no where on this list). As you can see, it is a tough life that I'm leading right now.

1) reading the Twilight series (ok YES, I finally started, and yes it's written for a teenager, but OMG it is good!)

2) knitting. I just learned cables and knitting became even more fun! If only I could read and knit at the same time....

3) Rock band. My brother got Mike and I hooked on this in California. We went to 5 different stores to finally find it. And we have been rockin out since. I play the guitar. Mike plays the bass or drums. And folks, HOURS can go by. HOURS. It is so stinkin addictive. I don't typically like video games either, but this feels different, with the whole band set and all. I must say I am digging feeling like a rockstar. Cause when the music is cranked and you play a sweet guitar riff, then, well, you just gotta leave those judgements at the door. And you know what they say...a family that plays together, stays together.

OK. This is a lame post but I figured I needed to re-enter this blog sometime. Here's a couple of pics from the week, in no particular order. Happy new year everyone!