Here's the thing:
I love my kid. LOVE her. Didn't-know-you-could-love-like-this love her. BUT, here's the other thing: I don't like to be with her 100% of every day. I like to walk away and do things for me, like get dressed and work and make lunch. And this point seems to be where me and the little munchkin differ.
I know that separation anxiety exists, but this seems different. Ellie needs to have me within sight of her. She could be happily playing with a toy, and God forbid I take small steps away and oh the freaking horror if I actually go into another room! If there are other people in the room and I'm sitting behind her she will actually put her arms behind her to hold on to me, to make sure I'm there.
Is this normal? Because it's slowly driving me insane.
I've done all that I can think of with her. I've caved in and just held her. I've kept her in a safe area and just let her cry. I put her in the baby wrap and go about my business, which btw, she's happy as a freaking clam! She apparently doesn't need toys. She needs constant contact. Then she is blissfully happy, laughing and cooing and waving her arms and legs. It's adorable, yes. No really it is just adorable. But still, mama needs a break. I honestly don't know what to do. I know she has to learn at least a small amout of self-soothing. I know letting her cry some doesn't hurt her. I know she's safe. I know these things and yet tell me as the decent human being that you are that your heart wouldn't break in two when you leave your bawling baby on the living room floor while you turn the corner for the quickest bathroom run ever only to find your newly crawling baby pathetically inching her way along the house with tears STREAMING down her face all because she's looking for you, her MAMA and needing you to hold her and love her.
OH MY GOD!!!
Seriously, oh my God. And to offset this complete inability to take care of my own interests during the daytime hours I end up staying up until 1am most nights because I am too blissed out in my own "me time" to call it quits and end the night. Nighttime has become my private sanctuary time. Which of course feeds the vicious cycle of sleep deprived mom trying to get through the day with a reasonable amount of sanity in tact. In the short history of my career as a mama, these past couple months have had me oh just the teensiest bit on edge.
I love my kid. LOVE her. Didn't-know-you-could-love-like-this love her. BUT, here's the other thing: I don't like to be with her 100% of every day. I like to walk away and do things for me, like get dressed and work and make lunch. And this point seems to be where me and the little munchkin differ.
I know that separation anxiety exists, but this seems different. Ellie needs to have me within sight of her. She could be happily playing with a toy, and God forbid I take small steps away and oh the freaking horror if I actually go into another room! If there are other people in the room and I'm sitting behind her she will actually put her arms behind her to hold on to me, to make sure I'm there.
Is this normal? Because it's slowly driving me insane.
I've done all that I can think of with her. I've caved in and just held her. I've kept her in a safe area and just let her cry. I put her in the baby wrap and go about my business, which btw, she's happy as a freaking clam! She apparently doesn't need toys. She needs constant contact. Then she is blissfully happy, laughing and cooing and waving her arms and legs. It's adorable, yes. No really it is just adorable. But still, mama needs a break. I honestly don't know what to do. I know she has to learn at least a small amout of self-soothing. I know letting her cry some doesn't hurt her. I know she's safe. I know these things and yet tell me as the decent human being that you are that your heart wouldn't break in two when you leave your bawling baby on the living room floor while you turn the corner for the quickest bathroom run ever only to find your newly crawling baby pathetically inching her way along the house with tears STREAMING down her face all because she's looking for you, her MAMA and needing you to hold her and love her.
OH MY GOD!!!
Seriously, oh my God. And to offset this complete inability to take care of my own interests during the daytime hours I end up staying up until 1am most nights because I am too blissed out in my own "me time" to call it quits and end the night. Nighttime has become my private sanctuary time. Which of course feeds the vicious cycle of sleep deprived mom trying to get through the day with a reasonable amount of sanity in tact. In the short history of my career as a mama, these past couple months have had me oh just the teensiest bit on edge.
3 comments:
Despite the fact that my boys are in school all day I still find myself staying up way too late at night because it really is the only me time. During the day I am working, cleaning, cooking, driving or grocery shopping. It's not like I am sitting on the couch eating those proverbial bonbons.
That feeling of never enough time for you never goes away even after they grow out of the clingy stage (which they do, I promise)
The fact that you are almost at your breaking point means that this phase will soon end...seems like that is always how it works. Hang in there!
i was the same way with my mom. i needed to be able to see her for every second of the day, which made it really hard for her when she wanted to hang clothes on the line or something. she had to position me.
i can hardly believe this. me. an independent woman was once a dependent baby with separation anxiety.
don't worry about keeping ellie happy as a clam all of the time. she'll never remember it. and hey, i turned out fine!
xo
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