putting Christmas aside...getting real

Some times you need to process, however that may mean for you: A friend. A song. A bath. A run. A blog. Life can come at you like a strong wind, and when it's gone you have to sift through the rubble.

I feel so many challenges as a mother. I feel sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. I want her to sleep, alone, without me. I want her to enjoy playing with her toys by herself and not need me to hold her. I don't want to see her head poppin up over her crib with tears streaming down her face and eyes saying "MOM! How could you abandon me!!" That look.

I feel challenges in my jobshare/babyshare. Today was a classic example. They were both on the floor. Ellie wanted to be picked up, I was changing other baby's poopy diaper. I got poop all over my hands. Ellie was giving my that look and crying, other baby was screaming. In my head I was reciting a mantra: "Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together."

I feel challenges as a hospice nurse. I want to meet my patients' needs as best I know how. These are their moments. And sometimes they are filled with so much Grief. and Anger. and Blame. and Sadness. And I have to be present in that. I have to be the knowledgeable, empathetic person as I watch these people die. And though I'm professional and trained and even used to it, there is a certain amount of processing that needs to occur. For example, this friday I lost a patient. And it was really the same patient/death scenario that I have been a part of so many times. But there was something about the way this man died, the way he fought. He couldn't let go. In his last hours he kept trying to get up, felt like he needed to be doing something. He'd moan out, became agitated. But I've seen all that before, and I have some tools to work through it with the patient and the family. But with this man, I really saw the thing he was struggling with above all else. He was scared. And when he no longer had the energy to fight in his body he looked at me with the most frightened eyes and said "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." I put my hand on his forehead and told him that he could relax now. There was nothing left to do. But I couldn't take away his fear. And now that look that was in his eyes keeps replaying in my head. And it just makes me so sad.

I want to meet everyone's needs as a nurse and a mother and a wife. I want to fix my patients' problems because they come to me with them, looking to me for solutions. So I go house to house, and put out fire after fire, and listen, and act, and problem solve. And then I come home to my family, and this brings me the greatest joy in the world. I want my husband to happy. We want our baby to be happy. We come home and we devote ourselves to her.

Her. Them. Him. We.

So today this knot in my throat is telling me that all is not balanced. I want to blame hormones for my variable moods these past few days but who am I kidding? I've created an extravagant painting all around me and I've spent very little time going IN.

Today I'm a loud angry sound that needs to be shout out!
I'm a forgotten flower needing some attention.
I'm a daughter that needs a hug.