My new favorite thing to do is to scout out and read on new parenting blogs. For the first time ever I feel an alliance with these mystery women writers, and I find myself feeling emotions right along side them. I want to know about their struggles and their joys. I want to know because I'm right there with them, unknowingly seeking support in this very peculiar form of camaraderie...the blog.
That said, I discovered Gorillabuns and The Spohrs (thanks to Jonniker) and this morning suddenly became engrossed in the lives of these women, and my heart is literally aching as I have followed their journey of losing their children.
It's hard to fathom such a nightmare. Ever since that moment Eleanor was born and I heard that first cry, this new emotion formed inside of me that I had never experienced. It is love, but it is an intense and almost painful love, like your heart has been removed from your chest and now exists in this little tiny creature who is, so amazingly, your daughter. Her face, I stare at it. All day. She is truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
And though it can't be healthy to go thinking like this, I have spent my morning consumed in these tragedies, so I have gotten myself a bit worked up. These blogs contain the stories that are literally my worst nightmare. And so my heart is pouring over for these women. These strong, brave, terribly unlucky women. And I just pray that these stories never, ever happen to me and my Eleanor.
That said, my SIDS patrol just kicked into a new gear. I've had a terrible habit of letting Ellie nap on our bed, and even though there are never pillows around, this unsafe practice can not continue. Also we can no longer leave our little munchkin on the couch, even if leaving the room for a split second. Her legs are getting STRONG and she's already able to roll over. The fan, always on. The pacifier, let her have it. This evilness that is SIDS, that we don't really understand, I heed all of the advice to prevent it. Because I can say, and I don't mean to sound over dramatic, I literally don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to her.
And so yes, this is a drag of a blog today, but as a NEW mom, this is the shit that goes through my head. And so thanks blog for letting me talk about it, and then letting me move on from it. Because Eleanor IS here, and she is so beautiful, and perfect, and healthy, and thank you God for such a miracle. I truly, truly feel blessed, every single day.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
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3 comments:
you've got to stop reading those blogs. I feel too sorry for those women to the point that I have lived through it with friends. You pray for them but you have to let it go or you become a little weird and no help to anyone. So say a little prayer everyday- for them - for your little one- and then face a new day, healthy and happy.
How heavy is your moisturizer? Or else that was one old sink! Have a great day in spite of the blogs.
Just to ease your mind a bit, Thalon actually died of an infection and a virus. Most of the Doctor's say it was a SIDS related event since they were able to revive him but really, he was sick and unfortunately, he couldn't breath through the massive amounts of snot deeply embeded in his throat and sinus cavity. no amout of suction on my part could have prevented it.
The bed had nothing to do with it. If he had been in a swing, car seat or in my arms, the same result would have happened.
My story is just that, a freaking fluke, not the norm. Just enjoy your child and not worry about the what-ifs but enjoy and appreciate the here and now. You see, I look at life in percentages. I'm a percentage that you now know therefore, none of this crazy crap is going to happen to you.
love and peace, shana
I didn't get a bummed kind of feeling from this post, I got a phew kind of feeling. I shared the same fears when both of my children were small. I took all the same steps as you and got up several times throughout the night to rest my hand on their tiny chests. Some called me crazy, always thinking the worst could happen. I don't think it was crazy, just part of who I am as a mom. You are a wonderful writer and Eleanor is lovely!
Love, Michelle
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