It takes a village but I ain't got one.

Well for all my bitching about being a tired and sleep deprived mom, I'm finally doing something about it.

I'm switching to the day shift!

You know somedays I am out seeing patients at 4am and I see the normal (NOT nocturnal) world start to rise. I see people out jogging. I see Starbucks turn on their lights. And it makes me envious of that world. That well-slept daytime hours world. Because for me, the long and short of it is that I am tired most of the time, EVEN on days I don't work. I rarely wake up feeling chippy. I rarely even wake up before my daughter. In fact, my work schedule has made me such an insomniac that I usually don't even lift an eyelid until I hear Ellie's first cries. Then I literally force myself out of bed still half sleeping and go in and fetch my daughter. And let me tell you, a cup of coffee and some downtime before a day with a toddler is OH SO NICE.

So I am excited. REALLY excited. However, with this new arrangment (which hasn't started yet) comes the need for more CHILDCARE. God I hate dealing with this! Don't I wish I lived in a little village where all my relatives were around me and Ellie was cared for by loving relatives 100% of the time. HEAVEN! (That really does sound good). Because I will say that one does not fully grasp the stress of childcare until one actually has to do it.

I remember me and Mike were on a walk last year and we "popped in" on this preschool that was just blocks away. I will never forget the HAGGARD woman balancing 2 kids who answered the door in a stressed out huff and how I peeked in and there were babies crying and this line of cribs straight out of a romanian orphanage documentary. I told Mike, I think in these exact words, "Let's get the hell out of here". Since then we have hired a nanny, two thus far, and they've been great. But still, I know how hard it is to have a baby all day long, and she's MY BABY and I have a built in DEEP INGRAINED love. So you worry. And then you realize you have to let go and trust. And then I meet a woman who tells me that her baby was with her neighbor friend while she worked during the day and her baby fell and got some cerebral hemmorhage and almost died and my nerves get all tied up in a bunch! And then I say to myself trust trust trust and let go and really that's all I can do.

But man if there is not a lot of stressors out there!

But we are moving forward! For the record, these past 7 months working full time at night and being a stay at home mom HAVE been pretty special. Minus a couple of emotional meltdowns, my munchkin and I have gotten really close, and MAN I love her so! I'm thankful for the opportunity I have had. Not everyone gets the option to be home.

But I think it will be good for us to have days apart during the week. And it will feel good to sleep. At night. (Amen!)

Ah, the perfect family photo.

I'm thinking Christmas card....

Moms can be dirty too!

phantom limb syndrome

Here and Now

"You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell

Toddler!!!!!

so true, yo!

Over the river and through the woods....

....to a mountain condo we go!

The glory days of summer

Nicholas Sparks needs to case study THIS

Technologically asunder

I remember back in 1995 I got my first email account. Now that was some COOL shit. Through the internet, I could write you a letter and not have to mail it. And I only knew like 4 other people with email accounts, so naturally we totally bonded through the ranks of our new discovery.

all the cool kids are doin it

Right now I feel like a teenager and all the popular kids are at this super cool party and I'm not there.

Reclaiming "my girls"

Sometimes life knocks you down, punches you in the proverbial face, leaves you standing around trying to make sense of just exactly where you are.

This just happened to me.

sleepless

I live right in the middle of the big city and I can hear crickets outside the window. This is how I know I am up way too late. Even though I physically went to bed around 8 to "catch up" all I found myself catching up on is my thoughts (ok and also my new Droid phone which don't get me started on that. I can feel hours of productivity slipping away....).

I am in a desperate search

Urban

I will tell you that I feel a downright stress during those precious weekends when the stars align and Mike is off, I am off, and it is SUMMER. I feel a need deep in my bones to get the HECK out of the city. Colorado is amazing and I want to BE in the mountains. I feel it like a need that I can't even explain.

The tireless rantings of supermom

Recently my mother came to visit. I greatly look forward to these visits because a)she's my mom and I love her, b)maybe, just maybe I can actually get a break from the little one and use grandma (aka Lala) as a distraction. Let's let Lala be the new toy! Plus, as a mom it feels GREAT knowing the strange person that's coming to visit actually really loves your kid. You know they do.

Enter small child.

No boys allowed today

Three little girls

A lot happens in a baby's year. A LOT. Growing bones, new teeth, new brain cells, coordination, confidence, hair! As a mom it's a bittersweet transformation:

You're kickin ass, Colorado.

Like the rest of the country, it's hot here. I just don't do well with hot. 80's yes...bring it! But 90's, 100's? Whoa! Close the door behind you please and shut the blinds you're letting out the cool air. Saturday was record temps of 102 and I just couldn't fathom a day of being stuck inside, but I had to work that evening so we couldn't take a big adventure into the high, high country.

Well that was (somewhat) fun.

It's kind of frustrating sometimes being a nurse, with a nurse schedule, and being married to a man who is only off two days a week. I get all these glorious weekdays and nights off, and no daddy to share them with. And doing things with Ellie, well it's so nice to get the extra help. So very nice. But when my next door neighbor Sue told me she was going to go camping with her 11 year old niece for the night I thought well why the hell not???

I'll make it but I sure as hell won't wear it!

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've left the house for more than 4 hours, sans child. (excluding work of course) I'm just one of those moms that can't stand being away. Healthy? Probably not. I just love that little bugger of mine so much. Howevah! I actually did accomplish some "me time" this weekend. Not mommy time. Not wife time. Me time. It was great. It felt healthy.

That's the story of the Hurricane...

On Friday I watched my child, in all her total nakedness, stand up in the play room on her own accord, and walk into the next room, some 30 feet or so. She looked back at me with the biggest grin and we both clapped "Yay!" (She didn't notice that my jaw was dropped down and I actually was a little teary).

The child has not stopped since.

We are GOING TO HAVE FUN, damn it!

I told myself, before I had a child, that I would not allow the fact that I have a child disrupt me from the things I love most in life. I would share these things with my child, and in doing so my child would simply LOVE these things, just as much as her mama.

Hahahahahahaha.

See you next year, 4th of July. Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

Am I allowed to say that my July 4th royally sucked? Though I had 4 glorious days off Mike had to work for every single one. This meant no family outings except for a Rockies game on Sunday for which I had to leave early because I was having awful cramps. We didn't see any fireworks because it was pouring rain, and wouldn't have mattered anyway because Ellie would be sleeping. Didn't go out with our friends because of said sleeping. Though we did hear that they had a great time! Oh fourth of July....wake me when it's over, will you?

I see dead people.

No really, I do. It's my job. I see the sick, the dying, and then...the dead.

At first seeing dead people used to freak me out. Then it fascinated me. Now I don't

I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to see the crack of your ass

To my husband that is. Who decided when our tub started filling up with a mysterious brown liquid with tomotoes in it, that no I could not call a plumber. He would fix it. And folks let me just say it was gross. It was bring-in-an-entire-bottle-of-bleach kind of gross. But that man will NOT pay for external services unless he is utterly convinced he can't do it himself. This drives me nuts most of the time, like when we're shopping and I

in it

I wish I spoke baby sometime. I wish there was some way for my child to communicate with words that wasn't just "Eh. Eh! EHHH!!!!" Yes, words will be fun. And I know you're not supposed to wish away the stage that you're in but I will be happy for words. Although I do admit Ellie does find clever

I married a mullet.

Oh that silly little husband of mine....

First, Mike decides to go with the full on moustache. He says a bunch of guys on his softball team are doing it and basically the whole team will be jinxed if he has to shave it. I actually forgot about it in all my hurried/franticness in getting ready for our family photo shoot...until I was driving to the shoot where I was meeting Mike. Then I remembered. I was like "Damn! Mike's got that friggen moustache!". Ergh!!

Let's try to have a normal conversation and please don't pay attention to the toddler crawling up my leg...

Let's face it, babies need routine. And my poor little tot has slept in her own room a total of 10 nights for the last 30. And though we have had some amazing adventures in this fun little summer of ours, this pleasure surely comes with consequence.

Leaving it up to the pros.

So even though I bought my super nice camera when Ellie came into the world, and I had to buy an external harddrive just to fit my thousands of pictures on it, there was one experience I wanted to have to commemorate Ellie's first birthday...portraits. Real, honest to God portraits done by an actual photographer in an actual studio. Aside from some pretty snazzy Sears shots when I was a kid,

A heart full of bluegrass

Though I'm in the middle of a 5 night work stretch (read: 75hours in 5 days) I have been surprisingly happy. For one, it hasn't been busy thank GOD, for two, on Wednesday at 5:00 me and the fam are making the 6.5hour trek to Telluride so we can spend the next 4 days shaking our bones...bluegrass style.

Why Portland, Maine calls our name

Making a move across the country is no small feat, and we are not entirely resounded to the idea. There are things to put in place, practical things, like 401k's and housing markets, and there is a letting go that I think we are both kind of scared to make.

Having said that,

Dear Jet Blue...

This post is for you Jet Blue.

All in all I actually like you. You let me check a bag for free. Your seats have a surprising amount of leg room. You have a ton of channels on the little seat tv's.

Now let's talk staffing.

a day at the beach

Sun high in the sky

Water glistening,

Sand in your mouth,

Salt in your hair,

traveling

We have returned from 10 days in Maine. We are tired, glad for routine, but for me anyway, still reeling. Maine is amazing and special in so many different ways. And the friends and family that are there make it so difficult to leave. There is nothing compared to the smell of that ocean air,
the saltiness on your skin, the green foliage, the amazing people. I just unpacked my bag and there is sand from the Atlantic Ocean all over my floor. I don't want to pick it up.

What happens in a year...

Stay at home/working mother

after the rain

Brown

Haulin ass up a mountain