our weekend in pictures

Kind of funny how a weekend with so very little done, could be so completely wonderful.

Happiness.

How my faith in humanity became renewed. Or...Why we love daddies.

I do believe I have discovered the secret that allows women to travel with their children and no husband on planes...

Pity.

I know how I looked to other travelers on my short little jaunt to California, sans Mike. I could feel and see them looking at me, though I would often pretend that I didn't. Truth be told I felt rather uncomfortable knowing people were watching as I lugged my oversized carry on, diaper bag and extra large mama purse (no checked bags for me thank you) and child via sling down the aisles of the plane, bumping into anyone sitting in the aisle seat. I didn't like feeling eyes stare at me as I tried to gobble down a turkey sandwich over my slinged baby knowing I'm getting crumbs all over her head. I knew I looked pathetic, and truthfully much of the time I was struggling. But just when I felt like screaming with frustration someone would surprise me. I don't think I once put together my stroller because everytime I started fumbling with it while trying to juggle my child some little angel would pop out of nowhere with "ma'am, can I help you with that?"

Why yes. Yes kind little helper, you sure can.

My child is beyond wiggly. Just when you think she is entertained by one thing she if off to the next thing. It is exhausting to keep her entertained in small confinements like plane seats. And so the nice man who donated half of his seat and his tray table for our sprawl certainly has a special place in my heart. The plane attendant who held her so I could pee was like a saint that day. And also the lovely. tolerant couple who sat behind us and goo'ed and ga'ed with her, because Ellie decided they were they most fascinating people on the plane and insisted on staring at them frequently. But even still as I got off of our returning plane and I looked back at our seat, covered in cheerios and crumpled paper and skrunched up napkins I thought so help me God I will never do this again. And then some kind woman asked me if she could help me with my bag.

And so people really surprised me. I wasn't expecting this kindness but it sure was appreciated. Because sometimes you really do need the help. Sometimes you feel as pathetic as you look. Sometimes two hands aren't enough. So thank you humanity. My faith in you just got bumped up a notch!

In the end, it was worth a trip to see La La.

Eleanor Grace is 9 months old.

9 months.

It took 9 months for you to grow inside of me.

And now you have grown 9 months in this world.

You were born so small, little 8 pound child who could not support her head.

In 9 months you can eat, and crawl, and walk along the couch.

You can babble and laugh. You love your mama and dada.

You learn new things daily, at almost lightning speed,

and you are very proud of your accomplishments.

You look to me for accolades every time you perform a new feat,

like mastering a toy, or eating with a spoon.

Today you absolutely love standing, and you pull yourself up to everything.

Everything.

Even things that have no height, like books

You will plant your hands on top of the book and stick your butt

straight up in the air, like you are standing on it.

This makes you very proud.

Then you'll look to me with your toothy grin.

And I'll match you back.

I've never grinned so much so much as I have in these 9 months.

I've never felt such pride.

I've never loved so fiercely.

I'm amazed at the power of 9 months.

You were once just a thought between your mom and your dad

and now you are our beautiful daughter.

Ever growing.

Ever enchanting.

You are such light in our lives.

Short hair does not an old lady make.

Today I was trying desperately to get my baby fed, manage my work phone, take care of some personal needs, all the while needing to get into the car to bring the cat to the vet. So as I'm loading all my precious cargo into my overly messy car, I caught a glimpse of myself in the window reflection.

Good God, I look old!

I know I'm still young in some ways. I'm 32, certainly not forking away money for the funeral plot. But I feel old. I see these new wrinkles, the gray hairs that are slowly popping up, the parentheses that are around my lips. My usually vibrant eyes seem more dull. My skin is dry. My hair was cut short yesterday and resembles my mental image of a high school librarian. And well, I just don't feel very pretty. At least not today.

It is no coincidence that my new leap in granny pants coincides with having a baby. Now, post baby, I'm really seeing that I have just jumped into a new life bracket. I am the 30 something mom now. My mental state reflects this new era. My once carefree, nomadic days are over. I got me a jobby job and a youngin. And an old ball and chain. And I've learned new, ever so adult skills, like how to juggle a carseat with baby, baby bag, gym bag, work bag, pumping bag, all the while talking on the phone and drinking a cup of coffee. I've got mad skills.

So I'm certainly not applying for my AARP anytime soon. And I'm not busting out the AquaNet to manage my perfectly feathered do. So I guess I could embrace this new life, which of course is silly to write because of course I have. Most days. I live in an insanely beautiful place, and Ellie will be over a year old this summer and will be more open to new life experiences. This is where I think I have some control over my old lady ways. I can still experience the freedom of summer living, just now I have a little buddy, and a whole lot more responsibility. But man, her little eyes reflected back at me, filled with awe, filled with excitement over all the newness that is in her little world, THIS makes me feel vibrant. And though I am her role model and mom, and none of those things are new to me, they feel fresh again. And life can feel fresh again. And I do believe that remembering THIS is the magical remedy to bring some youthfulness into my inner old lady. So today I am making myself remember that. Because reflections can sometimes send you for tizzies.

So take THAT car reflection! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

fortune

Happy Valentine's day.

I don't know how they do it.

I've got this funky computer training thing going on every day this week. It requires me to leave the house by 7:30, and then return home at 5:30. And so to sum it up, this royally sucks. It breaks my heart in the morning when the nanny comes over and Ellie is screaming and crying while holding her arms out to me. Breaks. My. Heart. And so then I think well why should I complain, people all across America are doing this schedule every single week, and oh so many of those people have kids. Wow I'm bitchy. But see here's the thing....I've been soooo spoiled. But here's the other thing...I'm a nurse. And I knew getting into this profession that I would be blessed with flexibilility and the ability to have multiple days off in a week. So that's just what I know now. And really this week I've been thanking my lucky stars that I sucked it up and got that degree because if I had to do the 8-5 thing I would probably become either a) overweight, b) bitter, or c) an alcoholic. Or for me, probably d) all of the above. Now let me say that I have TOTAL AND COMPLETE respect for all of you out there who work this "normal" schedule. You are part of making our world run as it does, and I thank you thank you thank you. But for me, I'm feeling pretty satisfied with my career choice right now, even though there are days that I feel the need to completely strip at the front door in order to avoid contaminating my household. We may get some sweet schedules, but there's a lot of shit that we have to deal with to get that. Figuratively. And, well, literally, too.

So my posts are uber lame this week. As it is I had to set my alarm early just so I could have a little one on one time with the ol laptop. We miss each other. When I get that morning cup of coffee and finally sit down to ol' lappy, well it's like coming home. It's contentment, it's excitement. It's creativity. It's ME TIME. And so I realize what my biggest beef about this whole schedule thing is, the biggest thing that I have respect for all ya'all out there who maintain it every week, and that is: there are truly not enough hours in the day.

well I guess that's the life of a rock star....

Mike and I enjoyed each other's company Saturday night while playing some Rock Band. Again. Except this time we added a new twist...tequila shots. And see, well I don't really drink ever, and my system is weak. So while we had a blast, complete with hair gel and mascara for both of us (think Gene Simmons), well the next day was, how shall we say this, less desirable. Which saddens me because I had such high hopes for the weekend. Frankly I don't know how single moms do it. If Mike hadn't been there to help me with Ellie, then I could see myself going through every number in my cell phone until I found someone that could come help. Being sick now sucks so much more because you simply have to do things now. Like watch your child, keep her safe, feed her, change her diaper. Throwing up in the toilet must be rearranged around these events.

In other news, well I've made a big change in my job. I'm switching to the night shift. Right now, as a hospice nurse, I have my own designated set of patients that I visit in their homes throughout the week. I won't have that anymore. The night shift is sort of like the emergency room for hospice. It's symptom management, pain crises, and a lot of deaths. But what this change means is only 3 nights a week of working, sleeping at home in my own bed if I'm not called out, and most importantly, being there with my little Ellie Bellie all day. Worth every ounce of change.

It's a phase....right???

Here's the thing: I love my kid. LOVE her. Didn't-know-you-could-love-like-this love her. BUT, here's the other thing: I don't like to be with her 100% of every day. I like to walk away and do things for me, like get dressed and work and make lunch. And this point seems to be where me and the little munchkin differ.

I know that separation anxiety exists, but this seems different. Ellie needs to have me within sight of her. She could be happily playing with a toy, and God forbid I take small steps away and oh the freaking horror if I actually go into another room! If there are other people in the room and I'm sitting behind her she will actually put her arms behind her to hold on to me, to make sure I'm there.

Is this normal? Because it's slowly driving me insane.

I've done all that I can think of with her. I've caved in and just held her. I've kept her in a safe area and just let her cry. I put her in the baby wrap and go about my business, which btw, she's happy as a freaking clam! She apparently doesn't need toys. She needs constant contact. Then she is blissfully happy, laughing and cooing and waving her arms and legs. It's adorable, yes. No really it is just adorable. But still, mama needs a break. I honestly don't know what to do. I know she has to learn at least a small amout of self-soothing. I know letting her cry some doesn't hurt her. I know she's safe. I know these things and yet tell me as the decent human being that you are that your heart wouldn't break in two when you leave your bawling baby on the living room floor while you turn the corner for the quickest bathroom run ever only to find your newly crawling baby pathetically inching her way along the house with tears STREAMING down her face all because she's looking for you, her MAMA and needing you to hold her and love her.

OH MY GOD!!!

Seriously, oh my God. And to offset this complete inability to take care of my own interests during the daytime hours I end up staying up until 1am most nights because I am too blissed out in my own "me time" to call it quits and end the night. Nighttime has become my private sanctuary time. Which of course feeds the vicious cycle of sleep deprived mom trying to get through the day with a reasonable amount of sanity in tact. In the short history of my career as a mama, these past couple months have had me oh just the teensiest bit on edge.

a true test of love

The beautiful (ehem..irritating) thing about a marriage is mastering the art of compromise. I am a strong personality, I fully admit this. And basically I want what I want, when I want it. And learning to yield from this and accept other people's (namely my husband's) opinions is not exactly my favorite thing to do. That said, this weekend was spent indoors, trying to make this house that feels made for midgets, feel NEW again. Answer to this dilemna? A massive, multi-room rearrange.

Rearranging is great, once finished. But getting there is a rough road. I want to do everything, and do everything now. No dilly-dallying. Get 'er done, so to speak. And I have clear visions of furniture placement that I really don't want to discuss, I just want executed. So on top of little mini squabbles and the visibly difficult time I have in stopping to listen to other's points of view (that I already have so perfectly figured out..c'mon!), rearranging also entails the in-your-face reality of how much shit you actually have. Then you and your loved one must make cases for various piles of crap. Maybe said loved one gets a little pissy that you put his Nike basketball sneakers in a Goodwill pile because you were convinced he wouldn't notice. Maybe you make a quick visit to the neighbors wearing a shawl circa 2002 so you can say you officially wore it in the last three years, and therefore not have to throw it out. Maybe there were a few bitter references (or at least thoughts) about the show "Hoarders". And on top of all that drama, we have an 8 MONTH OLD who needs oh so much attention. So one of us is baby to hip, usually me, directing traffic and inserting their very important opinions.

Rearranging is So. Much. Fun.

But I jest a bit. In spite of all of the annoyances, it is so fun to breathe new life into a stagnant space. Our house feels new again. I like being in it. And that's surely worth a weekend of hassles.

Where are you poop-o-meter?

Bedtime is a crappy time to try to decipher. I mean this literally. We are so close to sleeping through the night that I can almost feel it. Sometimes my kid starts her little "uh I'm changing positions" whimper. And I've learned to ignore it. Sometimes that escalates, but if I know that she's got lots of food in that tank, then I ignore it. So don't I feel like the WORLD'S WORST MOTHER when I go to scoop up my sweet little baby in the morning and she's covered in DRIED crap!!! Oh dear. Surely she'll be developing a massive infection or horrific diaper rash all because I was too lazy to check on her cries for help. Oh. My. God.

Can someone PLEASE invent a poop-o-meter, or some sort of device that sends alarms through the entire house as soon as shit hits the diaper?

And today, oh today took the cake. There were no cries, but this morning when I went to change my beautiful baby, I sat in horror for the mere moments that it took me to figure out what all of the chunky white things were ALL OVER my baby!!! Oh. My. God! Does she have a Guiness book of World Record yeast infection???? No, my kid had to pee so much that she exploded her diaper and was literally and completely soaked. And I recently learned the little factoid that the average diaper can hold 7 pounds of liquid.

Moving on....I am ON it right now and it feels great! And I do believe this motivation is purely situational, due to the location of my NEW friend being 5 houses away and her SWEET workout room and her AWESOME motivation. So we just get together and do videos, but I've learned that when you actually DO the videos, whatdayknow? You actually can sweat. Who knew? In any case, sometimes just getting over the hurdle of getting your body used to daily exercise is all you need to get that motor running. (don't do it. Don't sing the song. I HATE George Thorougood. Ehem.)

So if you have not watched Modern Family (wednesdays on ABC) then you are truly missing out. They are laugh out loud hilarious! Check out this clip, only a taster.

Wordy wednesday

I am tired, yo. I've been coming home from work, or if it's an Ellie belly day waiting for Mike to come home from work, and start dreaming of bed immediately. I have a faint memory of Mike trying to wake me up this morning and all I remember is I was DEEP. I'm talkin "don't even try to rouse this insanely tired mama because any talking you do at me at this point is only going to get incorporated into my dream because there is no possible way I can come to". That kind of tired.

And so I didn't meet my new workout buddy at 6am but rather tonight, at 8:30pm, and now it's 11 and I am WIRED! I am like "let's bust out the pinesol and get crackin on these floors and then organize the shelves and clean out the fridge finally. " And so yeah I'm sort of second guessing that 7:30 pm cup of coffee and late night workout, because really, REALLY I need to be sleeping. Tomorrow I am hitting the door running.

So our Mike's side of the family christmas is on Sunday and I basically have to start a knitting marathon for the next few days to get all of the gifts I so well intentionally planned in my head finished. Oh silly me. Always trying to bite the horses head, er take the horse by the head, er whatever that saying is. In the end the extravagant patterns I so thoughtfully mulled over for each person will probably turn into a pile of hats because a)they're easy, and b)they're easy.

In other news, I took a step back recently and gave myself a little talking to. I told myself that the Twilight Series are only books, and that they are fiction. And that yes Rob Pattinson is uncommonly good looking but I'm married. And Taylor Lautner is insanely adorable, but he's seventeen. And yes Stephanie Meyer has written the perfect suck-you-in books, but really I don't want to wish vampires into my life. And I don't want to shirk my parenting and work related duties because I simply must finish another chapter. Sigh. So I have relegated my reading to nighttimes only. And occasional breastfeeding sessions. And believe me, the separation has been healthy. Man, who knew I was so susceptible to the teenage demographic fantasies? I should bust out those old Sweet Valley Highs again!

In more adult news, Mike and I are going to see Avatar on Friday. I truly have absolutely no idea what it's about and I'm pretty excited to be perfectly surprised. But on the other hand we are apparently going to be seeing the most popular movie in America on America's most popular night for dating. So, we'll see, America. You, me, and a hot date with my husband. Bring it on!

Happy Wednesday everyone. Is it just me or time just a tickin!??

Um, yeah I meant to do that.

So I just made the Felicity hat (pattern by this very cool lady), and I think it looks pretty stinkin cute on Ellie. So, like, here ya go Ellie. A new hat for you. That I, um, sort of meant to make for me. Guess that's why you're supposed to [nasal voice] "check your gauge". Doh!

It changes everyday.

My kid is mobile now. Though it's not exactly crawling per se, it's a mean worm. A worm that can go the distance. And she now has 4 teeth. And she's shooting up like a frickin bean sprout. And she can eat SO MUCH food. And she can say da-da. (Yeah, da-da. Ergh.) And she can (kind of) wave hello.

And so in keeping up with these momentous daily developments, and the fact that she can now eat like a horse, I am trying to figure out what to do about breastfeeding. It's become clear to me that I just can't keep up anymore. Ellie can easily chug an 8 oz bottle, and I watch her try so very hard to get what she needs from mama. It takes her so long with no satisfaction. Which leads me to wonder if we have reached the end of the milk producing road. I know, I know, [nasally voice] "you should breastfeed for at least a year." Ugh. You know what Dr. Sears? You know what La Leche league? You know what Kellymom? Bite me. You try going from patient to patient during the working day driving along with a frickin breastpump attached to you, ever so systematically avoiding mack trucks so they can't peer down at you and get an eyeful. Oh I will not miss the pumping. But I will miss the closeness. And so that's why I haven't completely jumped off the fence yet. Baby steps.

In other news I have made a new friend who lives 5 doors down and has a fricken yoga studio in her house and is all about us getting together to exercise. So I got my tired ass up at 5:55am and met her at her house at 6am. Repeat tomorrow and continuously. I feel like I used my mad jedi skills to manifest her because I have been really struggling with fitting workouts out into this baby laden life of mine. And I'm ready to be ripped. And that brings me back to breastfeeding. I'm feeling ready to have my body back. MY body. Not that I don't love these crazy curves, but they're not mine really. So I don't want to get too attached. They aren't here to stay.

The 'tude

There is one simple truth that I have an uncanny knack for forgetting: it's all about the attitude.

Sometimes I have to kick myself for forgetting this simple concept. These are the times when I get a little pissy that all of the sudden our house feels like it was built for midgets and there are baby toys everywhere. Or that unwinding after work now means trying to pin down the wiggliest 7 month old in the world to get her pajamas on her. Or that in being someone's nurse you are expected to have the answer to every medical problem someone experiences. Sometimes I feel stressed when I can not be what people look to me to be. When I can't make it all better. When I listen to my baby have coughing fits in the middle of the night. When I forget to order a patient their medication. When I know my baby is in the throws of separation anxiety and whomever I leave her with is going to have to deal with that.

And yet there are times when I get in the car to start my day and feel real joy about my job, and feel really special about the role I'm playing in someone's last days. There are the times when I am playing on the floor with my daughter and think there could not be a greater happiness then loving this little perfect being and seeing her thrive. Or watching her face as she suddenly learns a new skill. Or looking over at my husband as we rock out in Rockband and knowing that we are together, bonded by love and rock and roll.

And so it's a funny balance between these two worlds, discord and contentment. The situations remain the same, yet the emotions are worlds apart, completely defined in how I choose to approach them. Kind of makes me think that maybe I'm not so powerless.

Kind of makes me think I need to remember this more often.

In be "tween"

I'm one of those easily affected people when I watch tv. And when I read books. I told ya'll about my new Twilight series confession. Well I'm still in it. Deeply. I took a little breather after finishing New Moon because, well frankly, I need to actually "do" some stuff. Like find childcare, and clean my house. But my self-imposed restraint took a little hiatus today when me and my friend Betsy saw New Moon at the theater.

I love my husband. You should all know this as the God honest truth. But I am a human! And when Rob Pattinson walks across the screen as the topless forlorn vampire that he is, well you all will just have to excuse me while I revisit my 14 year old self. OMG it's Rob Pattinson!!! Gasp. If you have not read these books then you would not have fallen deeply in love with this character and you would have surely thought he was a good looking man but you would not have thought that nearly to the depths of me, a 32 year old married woman who is living vicariously through the pages of tweenage novels. But I'm done apologizing for my lack of literary refinery. I'm smitten.

And so when I came home from the movie I sort of asked Mike if he'd put a little white powder on his face and puff up his hair a bit. He won't. He's a total party pooper.

So speaking of obsessions I told ya'll how Mike and I got Rockband. So we named our band S and M and we've been "touring" and practicing and totally kicking butt. But we are two lone soldiers. We either a) can't find anyone to play in our band, or b) find people to play in our band but they TOTALLY SUCK!!!!! Is it TOO MUCH to ask for normal, well-meaninged friends who can keep a beat and have some sort of musical know-how?

In other news the childcare search has begun. I put an ad on craigslist and HOLY HELL! I now see that there is no real shortage of people willing to watch your child. And so the problem now is sorting through the plethora of responses to my wee little ad for part time care. This is tricky to do but there are a few criteria that immediately nixes you from the running. A) This is email, not texting and if ur 2 buzy to rite norml than you're out. B) IF YOU ARE SO HIGH STRUNG THAT YOU SIMPLY MUST WRITE IN ALL CAPS THEN YOU ARE OUT. c) If you are so busy that all you can write is "see resume" then you are out.

Trouble is, that only weeds out a few. There are a lot of really awesome sounding people out there. And so I'm guessing that finding that perfect fit is all about intution, and TIMING. I have faith it will work out. And I'm super psyched to find someone to come to my house to watch my precious little kid. No more schlepping of the stuff! The stuff. The stuff!!! If a fly on the wall could see me as I have tried to leave the house for a typical day at work. Work bag, baby bag, bag of food, freezer bag for expressed milk, pumping supplies bag, purse. Oh yeah, and KID. I'm telling you forget bicep curls. Have a kid! Maybe I should put that in my ad. Must love children and must be able to bench at least 20 pounds.

Well anyhoo, Mike has gone out so I'm going to leave now so I can sit here on the couch and enjoy my glorious aloneness. Praying the baby monitor doesn't start making noises. Dreaming of vampires.

Here we go

Well the babyshare part of my jobshare is now officially over. Not that I don't love that little man I was watching, but it will be nice to actually enjoy the "part-time" of part time job. Because watching 2 rapidly developing babies when you're "not working", well that's just plain comical. So....today officially begins an endeavor that I imagine will be strongly tied in to my future stresses....CHILD CARE.

Sigh.

Man I really think the hardest part about being a mom is the learning to let go part. I hate parting ways, even if only for the working day. But love don't pay those bills now, does it? So here I go, off to the world of Craigslist where I intend to be camped out for a large part of the evening. I'm brand new at this childcare finding business, and I expect there will be a lot of learning involved.

best baby evah!

I can't believe I'm even writing this.

What I mean is, I can't believe I managed to pull myself away from my completely self-indulgent teenage fantasy land that is the Twilight series. Shoot, man. I put that off for a while. I've had those books sitting on my shelf, insisted that they be read by my neighbor. Sure, sure. I'd get around to it. But you know there are a lot of things I've been meaning to read, and this is like, for teenagers.

Well call me little darlin and let me pin up my jeans! Holy crap have I been sucked in! Those books, they are not "well written" from any literary standpoint no doubt. But their gooshey, romantic innards are far too much to resist. Before you know it you are staying up till 1am reading even though your dog tired and picking your book back up in the morning before you even get out of your bed. I have to hand it to this Stephanie Meyer (author). I can honestly say that as soon as I open the book up now I am instantly transported to her mystical creature laden teenage dream land. And do I feel cool about this? No, not really. But am I resisting it? Hell no!

So later gators. I have to go back to my vampire boyfriend.

Holy crap, it's a new year!

Wow did I abandon this blog!

You see I hit a wierd sort of wall in December. All of the sudden life felt very difficult, very heavy. Christmas. Work. Family. I felt overwhelmed. Even this blog felt burdensome.

Then we went on a vacation. In fact, I'm still technically on said vacation, just home now. We went to California and stayed with my mom. And suddenly I had family around that wanted to help out with the baby, that wanted to babysit. I wasn't living in my own mess. My work phone was left home with the battery removed. Christmas came and went and I made a point to keep very few social obligations. I needed to check out from my life. I needed to feel family support.

And so truth be told I'm pretty bummed that tomorrow is monday and this glorious week and a half is ending. And to top that off I have a nasty cold right now. Soooo, I literally have milked these last few days since we returned home for all of the beautiful laziness that I can. Here are the three things that I have been alternating between, you know, when Ellie is taken care of and I have me time. (please note that laundry and housework is no where on this list). As you can see, it is a tough life that I'm leading right now.

1) reading the Twilight series (ok YES, I finally started, and yes it's written for a teenager, but OMG it is good!)

2) knitting. I just learned cables and knitting became even more fun! If only I could read and knit at the same time....

3) Rock band. My brother got Mike and I hooked on this in California. We went to 5 different stores to finally find it. And we have been rockin out since. I play the guitar. Mike plays the bass or drums. And folks, HOURS can go by. HOURS. It is so stinkin addictive. I don't typically like video games either, but this feels different, with the whole band set and all. I must say I am digging feeling like a rockstar. Cause when the music is cranked and you play a sweet guitar riff, then, well, you just gotta leave those judgements at the door. And you know what they say...a family that plays together, stays together.

OK. This is a lame post but I figured I needed to re-enter this blog sometime. Here's a couple of pics from the week, in no particular order. Happy new year everyone!

Holy crap it's almost Christmas

I feel like I dropped the ball on the whole "Christmas cheer" thing. Or maybe I should say that it peaked at the end of November. Not for lack of trying because our tivo is chock full of every cheesy Christmas flick we could stuff it with, and my ipod's constantly crooning Josh Groban christmas classics, and we did don the holiday sweaters, yo. But it's like, fizzling. Now it's crunch time and feels kind of yucky. Kind of stressful. That's what happens to queenprocrastinators. Every year. Every stinkin year.

But whatever, I feel kind of over it. It will all get reignited when we go to Cali to be with the fam.

So in other, more random news, I'm officially upset that Top Chef is over. My wednesdays will not be the same. And I'm reminded of this as I keep getting interrupted from writing this blog because I have to wipe the shit eating grin off my face as I watch these Top Chef outtakes. You know how it is, finding that perfect little escape from reality. Some, like, read. I watch Top Chef. And for the record, Kevin should have won.

Other news...I was at a pt's home the other day, and I was texting something on my phone, and yes I had absolutely horrible posture I admit, but the pt's daughter actually said to me, "So when are you due". Oh. My. God. I'm all like, "actually I have a six month old" and she's all like "oh, guess I put my foot in my mouth," and I'm all like "well I guess I was sticking my stomach out", and she's all like "yeah I remember how hard it was to lose the baby weight". Again! Oh. My. God! Ok, I admit I'm not completely back to prepregnancy weight! I admit I'm not toned and running every morning. But it's not like I have this big protruding pooch either. And I still fit in my size 6 jeans bitch! GAWD!

So Mike and I were watching my new favorite movie "Julie and Julia" and he decided the idea was brilliant and has now set out to cook every recipe in his Colorado Colore book. And yes, he even started a blog. Isn't that c-u-t-e? So here's the link to my hubby's blog. It's Top Chef every night here now.

Oh, and let me end with this. My little Santa baby. Getting so big.

Christmas party poopers.

We were told that the party we went to last night was an ugly Christmas sweater party.

Apparently the ugly sweater part was cancelled.

We never got that memo.

Will you just look at my husband's sweatshirt? THAT, folks, is why I love him so.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

Little peanut's sprouted her very first tooth!

putting Christmas aside...getting real

Some times you need to process, however that may mean for you: A friend. A song. A bath. A run. A blog. Life can come at you like a strong wind, and when it's gone you have to sift through the rubble.

I feel so many challenges as a mother. I feel sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. I want her to sleep, alone, without me. I want her to enjoy playing with her toys by herself and not need me to hold her. I don't want to see her head poppin up over her crib with tears streaming down her face and eyes saying "MOM! How could you abandon me!!" That look.

I feel challenges in my jobshare/babyshare. Today was a classic example. They were both on the floor. Ellie wanted to be picked up, I was changing other baby's poopy diaper. I got poop all over my hands. Ellie was giving my that look and crying, other baby was screaming. In my head I was reciting a mantra: "Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together."

I feel challenges as a hospice nurse. I want to meet my patients' needs as best I know how. These are their moments. And sometimes they are filled with so much Grief. and Anger. and Blame. and Sadness. And I have to be present in that. I have to be the knowledgeable, empathetic person as I watch these people die. And though I'm professional and trained and even used to it, there is a certain amount of processing that needs to occur. For example, this friday I lost a patient. And it was really the same patient/death scenario that I have been a part of so many times. But there was something about the way this man died, the way he fought. He couldn't let go. In his last hours he kept trying to get up, felt like he needed to be doing something. He'd moan out, became agitated. But I've seen all that before, and I have some tools to work through it with the patient and the family. But with this man, I really saw the thing he was struggling with above all else. He was scared. And when he no longer had the energy to fight in his body he looked at me with the most frightened eyes and said "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." I put my hand on his forehead and told him that he could relax now. There was nothing left to do. But I couldn't take away his fear. And now that look that was in his eyes keeps replaying in my head. And it just makes me so sad.

I want to meet everyone's needs as a nurse and a mother and a wife. I want to fix my patients' problems because they come to me with them, looking to me for solutions. So I go house to house, and put out fire after fire, and listen, and act, and problem solve. And then I come home to my family, and this brings me the greatest joy in the world. I want my husband to happy. We want our baby to be happy. We come home and we devote ourselves to her.

Her. Them. Him. We.

So today this knot in my throat is telling me that all is not balanced. I want to blame hormones for my variable moods these past few days but who am I kidding? I've created an extravagant painting all around me and I've spent very little time going IN.

Today I'm a loud angry sound that needs to be shout out!
I'm a forgotten flower needing some attention.
I'm a daughter that needs a hug.

Trying on different pants.

Yesterday I got to pretend I was something I'm not....a photographer. My pal Darci enlisted me to take her family Christmas pics. (Hopefully I'm not ruining any surprises here but I doubt her friends and family are checking out this here blog.) Anyway it was fun! Here's a couple of samples:

a blog with a strong emphasis on snot

First of all let me say that my little girl has the sniffles and a low grade fever. Sad.

Let me also say...HELLO NASAL ASPIRATOR! Man I got two of those things in my baby shower and I was all like, great, thanks. And I've tried using it a time or two and just thought meh! What's the big deal.

Well I have learned that it IS a big deal. Now that Ellie officially has her first ever congestion that little miracle plunger can suck out the snot from the other side of the room! It is So. Freaking. Cool. It gives her instant relief and it gives me the same freakish joy that I get whenever I find a super great blackhead on Mike and pop it. Wow that thing is cool!

In other news, boy my last post was a bit of a drag but I have been feeling HAGGARD!!!! I do that job share/baby share thing with my friend Sarah so on the days when I'm watching her kid, MAN! I don't know how you mamas with twins do it. I feel like I'm running around all day long, feeding, changing, playing stupid games, trying to settle down. Before I know it the day is over and I'm spent. And then I feel irritated because the whole day went by and I didn't feel able to anything that was for me.

In addition my child now prefers to only be held all the time. ALL THE TIME! And though yes it is mildly amusing the contortionist positions I have aquired to get things done while holding a tiny tot, the novelty of holding her sometimes becomes....well, old. I desperately long for the days where she was content for an hour in her exersaucer. And I desperately hope that this is simply a phase. It's a phase, right?????

I am finding myself suddenly longing beyond belief to get, like maybe 4-8 hours where I have NO worries. NO babies. NO work. NO work cell phone. NO messy house. I need the proverbial "me time". Yes. One day.

one of THOSE days

sad today.
not sure why.
kind of numb-ish. don't feel like smiling.
snowed last night. sure is pretty.
babies are fussy. need lots of attention.
i haven't showered in two days.
i haven't worked out in 4.
lots of things i want to do. christmas is coming.
shrug my shoulders. too many ideas, no action.
feeling kind of dead inside, even though i was bursting with joy this morning,
watching my little girl wake up, so darn cute.
i got excited to pick her up and start our day together.
but it has been a long day.
a long day.
i should do so much right now.
should do.
but i'm not gonna.
just not gonna.

Hello December

Hello December
Hello start of winter.
Hello freezing noses.
Hello cozy naps.
Hello soups and stews.
Hello warm fuzzy sweaters.
Hello teeny tiny days.
Hello fireplace.
Hello indoor fun.
Hello Christmas!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

Christmas decorations? Check!
Yes that IS a Charlie Brown tree thank you very much. Our teeny little house just doesn't have the room for a Griswold family christmas. For 2 years we actually had a CU football helmet as the "star". I still don't know where that went...sorry Mike. (wink wink)

And check out the little lump in the bottom left hand corner on the chair. That's Gabby, our newest addition. She's camera shy. Something about that whole big black thing clicking in her face thing that freaks her out. Silly kitty. She'll learn soon enough there's no avoiding the camera in this family.

So I sort of dropped the ball on that whole "I'm-going-to-post-everyday" thing. Hahahahahahahahahahhaahaha. Hahaha. Ha. When I found myself getting stressed about what I was going to write on my blog I decided that, through the miracle of technology, I could simply take my deLorean to 4 posts ago and edit that shit out. So if you actually read and saw this so-called declaration of consistency and hard work then allow me to magic wand that memory right out of there. But I will say, and I'll say it in pen, that I promise to post MORE often. Unless of course I don't. Then you can just forget you read that.

:)

Thankful

One day my body will start to fail,
my mind may start to wander,
my heart could break in two,
my optimism start to wane.

But today, on this day,
my hands can not write of
anything except joy.
My life is blessed.
My heart is grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

The purrrrfect gift

So I called Mike to let him know Ellie and I were going to be late today and he let me know that we "had company". I knew he had been utterly conflicted when he discovered a kitten in a window well the other day and rescued it. However tonight his big fat kitty loving heart seemed to have overflowed because that tagless, outdoor kitten was invited over for a visit.

I have to admit, I've sort of loved this pet free existence. But there is no denying that this little nameless kitten really does melt your heart a bit. She's not even that cute really, but she's so...nice. So Mike put a note on the abandoned apt building door where he found her, but if we don't hear anything then, well, I guess we have a new kitten. Provided no cat allergies start popping up.

Kitty doesn't have a name yet. We're waiting for the perfect one to come to us.

Baby legwarmers

These will keep any baby's cute little leg fat rolls nice and toasty in the winter months. And they are a breeze to make! I made up the pattern, and I don't write patterns but I will try. Even if you are a super beginner knitter, you can bust these out in just a few hours.

BTW, don't you just want to eat up this little boy's thighs?

Cast on 22 stitches. (I used a size 6 needle)
Rows 1-5: knit, purl, knit, purl etc
For the next 3 inches: get a larger needle (I used a size 10) and knit one row, purl next row.
For last 5 rows: knit, purl, knit, purl.
Bind off. Sew up in mattress stitch.
You're done!

hats off to easy knitting!

So in efforts to make some homemade gifts this year I've been busting out the ol' knitting needles, constantly searching for the perfect pattern: quick, easy, and a good result. And I have found it! These hats are so super easy to make, and you can finish them in about a movie and a half. The instructions are simple. Thanks again Martha!

Yuletide starts NOW

Ok so I know there's this whole movement to keep Christmas cheer at bay until the day after Thanksgiving. But my philosophy is that Christmas is such a short period of time, and there's so much work and festivity involved, why wait?! I can tell you I've already watched the Grinch, listened to Christmas carols on the ipod and busted out the balsam fir candles. True, Mike won't let me get the decorations out of the garage until thanksgiving but his ebenezer like ways can't stop this Christmas fairy! We are going to have So. Much. Fun. this year!

And so.......to keep my motivation up, I am going to try to post a Christmas craft project/idea/motivation nearly every day till Christmas. All you folks who want to deny the christmas cheer until your arbitrary date, so be it. Then you can come check out my blog the day after thanksgiving. But for all of you other Christmas elves out there...you know who you are....let it begin!!! I've got a ton of ideas and I'm going to be Ho Ho Ho'ing all over this blog. Yes I know how that sounds. So come back tomorrow. And feel free to email me ideas if you have a great one!

co-sleeping conundrum

So it's no secret that Ellie spends her night right in the middle of Mike and I and has since birth. To our credit, she does go to sleep initially in her crib, which is in our room. Then around 10 or 11 or whenever she wakes up I scoop her up and bring her to bed with me. This is just how we've done it.

I have friends that tell me that their children sleep through the night, and I always feel that little pinch of jealousy because folks, I can honestly say I have not slept more than 4 hours at a time since Ellie has been born. Almost 6 months. We do have a room for her, but it's at the other side of the house. Our plan was to move her back there this weekend, but conveniently, it was inconvenient, so we put it off. We continue to put it off and I'm pretty sure I know why. We'll miss her.

And so here begins just a taster of a life where I'm going to have to learn to let go. I have a new found respect for all moms who let their children learn to drive, who drop them off at the mall, who drop them off to their first day of school. I can't be there with her, and that's wierd to acknowledge. Right now I feel like I would rearrange my entire life to spend every possible moment with her. And fortunately she seems to be equally in to me as I am into her. But that will change.

Being a mom is hard. Loving like this is hard. You have to let go. You have to trust the process. You have to let her learn things for herself. You have to share.

Sigh.

And so perhaps one of these days I will write about how my little daughter got her own room, and maybe one day we'll reach the holy grail...an entire night of sleeping. In the meantime, this sleep deprived, coffee worshipping mama continues to truck on, learning about how to be a parent.

Some things never change.

Six year old me is not so different than 32 year old me.

snowed in

Could there be anything more delicious than being stuck inside on a snowy evening with your amazing family, a fireplace, good food, good health, good music. I just feel like I have such an unbelievable amount to be thankful for.

Today I bought some toys for Ellie. I've never liked buying toys before, kind of hated it actually. I never knew what to get and never enjoyed the amusement. But those little rings on a stick made me as excited to buy as Ellie seemed to be receiving. Honestly I feel as though I have stepped right back into my childhood. Here I am staring out the window at this snowy sky and my mind is reeling to my childhood days. Days when we'd get up for school, knowing it was snowing, listening to the radio for the school cancellations, running outside in all our warm winter best to have the most terrific snow filled days of sledding and snow forts and hot chocolate and loving homes. And the images are so perfect, like a dream scene out of a movie. And I can't stop thinking about Ellie, and what she's going to feel, and her childhood experience. And I just want it to filled with so much warmth and love. With so many crafts and homemade dinners. With laughter. Silly games. Hugs. Creativity. Self-expression. The feeling when you walk through the front door that you are just where you belong.

I am thankful every second of the day that I have this family of mine. And when Mike comes into the room wearing his sock cuff arm bands he made, my scarf and doing a funny little Mike dance it just makes me beam inside. We are all perfect together, all three of us. I hope I never forget the joy that I feel right now.

p.s. I'm getting wicked Christmas fever....

Wicked good stuff!

Let's bury that last post now, shall we? This is a picture I took of Ellie mere moments ago. As you can see she is looking soooo much better. STill a little redness under her chin and on her belly, but the worst of it appears to be over. We did get the biopsy results back and it is considered to be a nonspecific dermatitis. Which is just telling me that her skin is inflamed and they don't know why. Thanks! Can't wait to get that bill! So the new line of thinking is that Ellie had an underlying virus and this is how her body reacted to it. Along with green poops, a raspy voice and a fever for a couple of days. Damn viruses! Be gone!!!!!

In other news, WICKED is so awesome!!!!! Wow, I still have goosebumps from last night's performance. It was so moving and my God those actors can sing. If you've never seen Wicked please do. You will love it.

Well we are hosting a little family gathering today which means one thing. I gotta clean. Sometimes having visitors is the best excuse for getting stuff done.

break my heart a little more will you?

My little perfect baby got sick, but no one knows why. It started with a little redness under her chin. That's when I cut out the dairy, thought it might be a food allergy. Then was thinking maybe it was a yeast infection because the child drools like you wouldn't believe. I made an appt with her pediatrician and that day she started getting satellite sores on her belly. They gave me a cream to put on her, which I did. And when I got up the next day she had a fever and looked like this.
My little baby girl!!!!!
So a trip to the ER resulted in orders to stop the cream. Then a trip to the pediatric dermatologist on monday resulted in a biopsy and the general consensus that no one really knows what's going on. The main theory is that she started out with a small infection, yeast maybe, and her body over reacted. All I know is that it was a horrible few days. And my heart was just bursting with sadness for my little baby.

I'm happy to report that the sores are drying up and falling off, and she has beautiful baby skin underneath. Her fever is gone (doctors think it was unrelated to anything). She does not appear uncomfortable.

I learned, and this was not new information, that doctors don't always know. And having a child in this crazy world can be nerve-wrecking. There's some scary stuff out there, and you wish that your love alone could get your baby through it. But sometimes it can't. Sometimes we are powerless. And that's a bitter pill to swallow.

A Halloween would not be complete without....

fabulous costumes.....

spooky clowns...... (guess who?)

...treats....(thanks for the idea Martha Stewart)

and a good ol' donut on a string contest...

Good times.

What a difference a day makes

We are snowed in. 12 inches of snow!!!

Wordless Wednesday